Goodnight…
[authors note 030206: This was written in the middle of a long, dark year of pain. Begining with an unplaned pregnancy and an abortion, my relationship fell apart and I got ANGRY... Looking back I don't mean many of the things I said here (about Joe's family, at least) but I wante dto include this writing, in it's own words at the time to keep the context...)
Goodnight. Here is my suicide letter, although I don’t plan on ending it right now. I kind of think of this whole journal as my extended suicide letter. I hate life. I hate people. I always have and have adapted the philosophy that you should “make the best of it.” Fuck that. I am so unhappy. Why should I stay in a place that makes me so miserable. I am willing to roll the dice and chance where I will end up next because even if there were a hell I can’t fathom it being more painful than my life is. TO my family. How can you live with yourselves. To my mother who didn’t have the strength to change he situation until it was too late for her childe. You gave up your firstborn for adoption. You didn’t think that the father (to whom you never gave me the respect of telling me) owed you anything, so you went through and unwanted pregnancy and adoption alone. You let the United way sucker you into paying for a child’s hospital expenses that wasn’t even yours anymore. You want the information of what happened to the child but you don’t even go to the lengths to put you name in a information exchange program so that she might be able to locate you. You are a weak, vindictive women. The ones you claim to love the most are the ones you hurt the most. I grew up alone goddamnit, you isolated me from other children in this horrible dysfunctional family and I thought it was normal. I thought that women were supposed to be slaves and raped and tortured mentally and physically. I had nothing. You were to wrapped up in your problems to see mine until it was too late to do anything about it. I was raped at six years old at a day care center that you sent me to then you didn’t believe me until I told you 14 years later. Do you know how hard that was for me? Do you have any idea the pain that that little girl that you said you loved harbored. Do you know that I never got over it. DO you know that that is a reason that I am dead now. I have been dead ever since then. Something in me keep fighting to keep the spark, but I am tired and nothing ever seems to change.
To my “father” who never was. OK invisible man here it is. Remember when I said I hated you. Well I did and I do. You are the most repellant and repugnant man i have ever met. You helped destroy any hope of a decent rearing I might have had by your terrible treatment of my mother and of women in general. You never wanted me. You said you loved me buy I think that you are incapable of knowing what the word means. You are a stupid hurtful man and if there were any way that I could have killed you without ever being caught then i would have taken both you and your mousey wife out as well. Your material issues meant nothing to me. I only wish that you could have know that. I hope you die because this world if full of stupid xxxxxxx (see the real definition you prejudiced asshole) like you. I would have been better off never knowing you because you did more harm to me that anyone else.
Joe Gruttola, you tried and helped me in a lot of situations but your conquest to control me is another factor leading to my death. I should have had the baby and taken it away and railed in a pastoral setting away from you. I loved it so much but you made my life so miserable and I got so sick that I was afraid of what you would have done to it. I saw my family reenacted. I saw your disgusting family. I hate your family. You dad is a controlling asshole and you mother is a whimpering sniveling drear. You are just like them. You can be so sensitive but you had to break me. Well now I am broken. I am out of here and you can have me no longer. No second chances now that I am dead. No you can tell you sad story to all those girls now.
Oh how your girlfriend committed suicide and you still love her so don’t ask me to get committed when I fuck you because I still love you. You all make me sick. I know there is more to life than this but I cant ever seen to find it so goodbye cruel world. I’m going home.
Take me away Calgon. Adios. You can all go fuck yourselves. I hope you all feel really guilty because I wonder what my life would have been like if none of you were in it.
I’m running to find you if it takes me all night.
