THE PREGNANCY PAGES

21992

Buzz goes the life within me. The faint echo of my own that I

breathed into existence. I feel your heart. I have the power to

quench this out. To throw you into non-existence before you even

realized it was yours. You are my baby, and whatever the outcome you

always will be. I love you. I created you. Peace to us both my

child.

Breasts swollen, body confused. Test positive. Could it be true? Is

there life within this used body. Do I have the capacity to make

another. I want you but this is not right. What is?

Support understanding love
I need them, living in pain
I cannot
I die
My flame extinguished
My heart empty
Help me. love
Show me love and I can give
Tests can’t work
They only hurt
I cry
I die
Always lies

THE PREGNANCY PAGES

21992

Buzz goes the life within me. The faint echo of my own that I

breathed into existence. I feel your heart. I have the power to

quench this out. To throw you into non-existence before you even

realized it was yours. You are my baby, and whatever the outcome you

always will be. I love you. I created you. Peace to us both my

child.

Breasts swollen, body confused. Test positive. Could it be true? Is

there life within this used body. Do I have the capacity to make

another. I want you but this is not right. What is?

Support understanding love
I need them, living in pain
I cannot
I die
My flame extinguished
My heart empty
Help me. love
Show me love and I can give
Tests can’t work
They only hurt
I cry
I die
Always lies

21892

Beaten down with word so small, do you think I can take them all?
Take then and that not the fall? I can’t.

I hurt and feel and cry inside. I feel alone and want to hide. But I
stay strong, or so I try. To believe.

To have faith in what is right. To keep the goal and not lose sight.
To have the strength and the might to see things through.

The past is hard and cloudy still. My emotions and psyche, put
through the mill. But still I need to find the will. To overcome.

Actions based on the present. Understanding to the past. Build this
into something, that will surely last.

Don’t corner me. I don’t want to be numb. I only have so many an­
swers. I only have so many words. Before I run out. Before I become
empty.

Help me live, before I die.

21892

Beaten down with word so small, do you think I can take them all?
Take then and that not the fall? I can’t.

I hurt and feel and cry inside. I feel alone and want to hide. But I
stay strong, or so I try. To believe.

To have faith in what is right. To keep the goal and not lose sight.
To have the strength and the might to see things through.

The past is hard and cloudy still. My emotions and psyche, put
through the mill. But still I need to find the will. To overcome.

Actions based on the present. Understanding to the past. Build this
into something, that will surely last.

Don’t corner me. I don’t want to be numb. I only have so many an­
swers. I only have so many words. Before I run out. Before I become
empty.

Help me live, before I die.

Alone here again. I will cry myself to sleep. I am not like them. I like the rave scene, but I don’t live it. I like drugs, but I don’t live for them. I am tired of watching everyone I know fall apart. Perhaps it is thyme to be silenced once again. Just for a thyme. I cannot prevent what is about to happen, so sit back be quiet and watch it. And never say “I told you so.” They will know. But what shall I do to fill the empty spaces? Belonging to no one. No thyme. I see it but I don’t enjoy it. I hate smelling like smoke. I know that I am a little uptight, but not that uptight. I just don’t enjoy living like you all do. How can I succeed. I can’t live in that world, I can’t live in this world. I want Arcadia, please let me die here so I can go there. Goodnight. The tears will come now.

The more that I think about it, the more that I realize that this is my extended suicide note. It has taken place over the past eight years in which I have tried to find a way to cope in this world. Nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to matter. I believe that if you can live the way that you want and be happy, then why live at all. I can’t seem to adopt that “fuck it” attitude that so many of my friends have. I care about myself too much. That may seem odd to someone who is always thinking about suicide, but it is the truth. I think that the world is cruel and unjust and I don’t think that I will ever be able to deal with it. So why not try another existence?

Alone here again. I will cry myself to sleep. I am not like them. I like the rave scene, but I don’t live it. I like drugs, but I don’t live for them. I am tired of watching everyone I know fall apart. Perhaps it is thyme to be silenced once again. Just for a thyme. I cannot prevent what is about to happen, so sit back be quiet and watch it. And never say “I told you so.” They will know. But what shall I do to fill the empty spaces? Belonging to no one. No thyme. I see it but I don’t enjoy it. I hate smelling like smoke. I know that I am a little uptight, but not that uptight. I just don’t enjoy living like you all do. How can I succeed. I can’t live in that world, I can’t live in this world. I want Arcadia, please let me die here so I can go there. Goodnight. The tears will come now.

The more that I think about it, the more that I realize that this is my extended suicide note. It has taken place over the past eight years in which I have tried to find a way to cope in this world. Nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to matter. I believe that if you can live the way that you want and be happy, then why live at all. I can’t seem to adopt that “fuck it” attitude that so many of my friends have. I care about myself too much. That may seem odd to someone who is always thinking about suicide, but it is the truth. I think that the world is cruel and unjust and I don’t think that I will ever be able to deal with it. So why not try another existence?

How dare you talk behind my back. How dare you induce the thought into others that I am bitchy. Yes I am. I admit that, but isn’t everybody? How about yourself. Shouldn’t throw stones on that one. But I understand that we all swing. We all have our ups and downs. However what I did is still unknown to me. If I have a large problem with a person I tell them and wonder why it is occurring. No, you don’t deal in that courtesy I see. Just deal with slander. I esti­mate that you will say “well you weren’t worth my effort to tell.” But if you couldn’t raise that effort then how do you willingly raise the effort to bring up my deceitful, bitchy name to others? Due process. But what do you know about that Mr. Ultra violence. You know nothing. You are a runner. Always have been, always will be. The reason I didn’t like you in high school was you were a conforming bastard who ran. You still are. Swimmer, alternative, punk rock, strait edge, now a raver. Fit into the scene. Yes, no matter what you say, you have no voice except for your babble. If you don’t like something I did, tell me. If you don’t like me, stay away. But slander is a nuisance for you and for me. You will lose if I care to exert the effort to strike back, but I don’t think that you are worth it now that I see by what guidelines you play. Think before you speak, pick your words carefully and be up front and perhaps others will have respect for you. I know that I used to have a little, but now it’s back down.

12-1-92 12:36a

How dare you talk behind my back. How dare you induce the thought into others that I am bitchy. Yes I am. I admit that, but isn’t everybody? How about yourself. Shouldn’t throw stones on that one. But I understand that we all swing. We all have our ups and downs. However what I did is still unknown to me. If I have a large problem with a person I tell them and wonder why it is occurring. No, you don’t deal in that courtesy I see. Just deal with slander. I esti­mate that you will say “well you weren’t worth my effort to tell.” But if you couldn’t raise that effort then how do you willingly raise the effort to bring up my deceitful, bitchy name to others? Due process. But what do you know about that Mr. Ultra violence. You know nothing. You are a runner. Always have been, always will be. The reason I didn’t like you in high school was you were a conforming bastard who ran. You still are. Swimmer, alternative, punk rock, strait edge, now a raver. Fit into the scene. Yes, no matter what you say, you have no voice except for your babble. If you don’t like something I did, tell me. If you don’t like me, stay away. But slander is a nuisance for you and for me. You will lose if I care to exert the effort to strike back, but I don’t think that you are worth it now that I see by what guidelines you play. Think before you speak, pick your words carefully and be up front and perhaps others will have respect for you. I know that I used to have a little, but now it’s back down.

12-1-92 12:36a