Words to the CosmosPersonal & Professional blog of China Krys Darrington

“What is essential involves being able to transform the individual from within.” ~The Dalai Lama

Another thing that I know, and believe, but I’ve failed to realize it in a practical manner. I’m very, very afraid that all my intellectual acrobats have had very little affect on my emotional, core self. I will never, ever stop trying to get myself to believe in my inherent worthiness. I will work towards being able to stop my self-loathing & to learn to just “be”.

But, I fear that for all my trying, I will start being my own end, my own undoing.

Jaden is due on April 25^th, 2004. This means I am 35 weeks pregnant. I got pregnant by some crack dealer while I was trapped up last year. I think I know when it happened, but I’m not 100% sure. Maybe I’ll get around to those sordid details a litter later in this journal, when it fees right to do so. Right now I need NOT to relive the guild and shame of prior ways. Getting through this day is providing enough of a challenge.

I know that I’m doing the right thing by making an adoption plan for Jaden and I think the Ek’s will be a good family for him, but although I know it would be selfish for me to keep him to help keep me clean, but I’m very afraid that after I deliver I’ll find it (the emotions, the reality, the guilt and shame) overwhelming & I’ll use again.

The fact is, there is a huge part of me that want so to get high. A part that subscribes to the philosophy that 45 seconds of oblivion is worth risking “the machine” waking up. There is a part of me that believes that I am going to use again, so why wait? There is a part that believes that I’m never going to rise above and apart from being a dope fiend so why struggle against my pathetic destiny.

If it weren’t for Mia, I don’t think I could or would be able to resist. This world just isn’t all that captivating for me. But that is way too much responsibility and pressure to place on a little girl and I’m responsible for making peace with myself and my daemons. Next, I also have to be her guidepost and helper to forge her own pattern and destiny.

So I have to heal myself and help my daughter, which means I have to stick around, do my best, never give up hope and give myself a chance.

I will fight. Everyday I will fight to diffuse this ticking time-bomb inside me. I will believe that I can change; that I can win this fight; that I can be free.