Current mood: nice

Hi Tedd! Thanks for finding me here. You are a wonderful friend. Tea. I drink copious amounts of tea. I’m particularly enchanted by this spearmint tea and also this vanilla orchid tea. They are just too yummy. So I went to my mothers house for a Memorial Day dinner. I want to be open to her. I want to be open to everyone. I’m no longer angry or resentful to her limited approach to dealing with life. I’m no longer envious of her being able to shower her emotions on her little doggie because I realize that she’s so afraid of everything real hurting her or taking away her “stuff” that she is only free to express herself with her pets. I don’t pity her. I just am awake to the fact that the harm dosed out to me was not intentional. Well, yeah, some of it was, but it was her only way of dealing with things.

But wow! No matter if I’ve forgiven, transcended, opened or whatever. She is one shallow, small-mind human. I’m not sure she even qualified as a sentient being because she just has no awareness of anything outside herself.

Tonglen meditation. Breath in my frustration, my fear-based reactions. Breath out lovingkindness. Release my expectations that she’ll change. Release my expections that I will ever achieve freedom from her. Just be. Just be and breath and refuse to let my heart close down.

Less suffering for all…even the clueless.

Currently reading: The Dharma of Star Wars By Matthew Bortolin Release date: By 25 April, 2005
11:56 AM

Current mood: nice

Hi Tedd! Thanks for finding me here. You are a wonderful friend. Tea. I drink copious amounts of tea. I’m particularly enchanted by this spearmint tea and also this vanilla orchid tea. They are just too yummy. So I went to my mothers house for a Memorial Day dinner. I want to be open to her. I want to be open to everyone. I’m no longer angry or resentful to her limited approach to dealing with life. I’m no longer envious of her being able to shower her emotions on her little doggie because I realize that she’s so afraid of everything real hurting her or taking away her “stuff” that she is only free to express herself with her pets. I don’t pity her. I just am awake to the fact that the harm dosed out to me was not intentional. Well, yeah, some of it was, but it was her only way of dealing with things.

But wow! No matter if I’ve forgiven, transcended, opened or whatever. She is one shallow, small-mind human. I’m not sure she even qualified as a sentient being because she just has no awareness of anything outside herself.

Tonglen meditation. Breath in my frustration, my fear-based reactions. Breath out lovingkindness. Release my expectations that she’ll change. Release my expections that I will ever achieve freedom from her. Just be. Just be and breath and refuse to let my heart close down.

Less suffering for all…even the clueless.

Currently reading: The Dharma of Star Wars By Matthew Bortolin Release date: By 25 April, 2005
11:56 AM

Mia gets to visit her dad in NYC. As a special added bonus, Adrian’s parents were in town and she got a chance to meet them. They all went to the Central Park Zoo while I went to my DharmaPunx dedicated practitoners program.

Mia gets to visit her dad in NYC. As a special added bonus, Adrian’s parents were in town and she got a chance to meet them. They all went to the Central Park Zoo while I went to my DharmaPunx dedicated practitoners program.

Current mood: dilagent

In the middle of my sitting meditation practice today, my six year old started vomiting, while sleeping in her bed. Obviously, this was something that needed my attention so when my sitting practice is interupted, I make an effort to be exceprtionally mindful of everything that occurs during the inturuption.

In this case I needed to get the kid up and out of bed to the bathtub, get her nasty fouled clothing off, start the bathwater, get the soap, get a bucket to push the puke in (there was copious amounts of it), strip the bed sheets, get them into the laundry, get new sheets on the bed, make sure the kid was clean, let her rinse her mouth out, spray some good smelling mist into her room so it didn’t have that nasty, sick kid smell.

It was not the most plesant time to be mindful. Pushing vomit with bare hands into a bucket is something I would PREFER to dissociate a bit from. But my intention is to remain mindful and participate fully in my reality. So I didn’t move away from the experience. I almost vomited myself in the process, but I didn’t.

And we got through it. She’s still not feeling well today so we’ll see how my practice goes. That is my biggest challenge. To be able to take care of my responsibilities as well as myself. Kids come first! On that, I’m not really able to negotiate. But I am willing to open my perception to new ways of thinking about more compassionant perspectives.

Currently listening: With Teeth By Nine Inch Nails Release date: By 03 May, 2005
5:11 P

Current mood: dilagent

In the middle of my sitting meditation practice today, my six year old started vomiting, while sleeping in her bed. Obviously, this was something that needed my attention so when my sitting practice is interupted, I make an effort to be exceprtionally mindful of everything that occurs during the inturuption.

In this case I needed to get the kid up and out of bed to the bathtub, get her nasty fouled clothing off, start the bathwater, get the soap, get a bucket to push the puke in (there was copious amounts of it), strip the bed sheets, get them into the laundry, get new sheets on the bed, make sure the kid was clean, let her rinse her mouth out, spray some good smelling mist into her room so it didn’t have that nasty, sick kid smell.

It was not the most plesant time to be mindful. Pushing vomit with bare hands into a bucket is something I would PREFER to dissociate a bit from. But my intention is to remain mindful and participate fully in my reality. So I didn’t move away from the experience. I almost vomited myself in the process, but I didn’t.

And we got through it. She’s still not feeling well today so we’ll see how my practice goes. That is my biggest challenge. To be able to take care of my responsibilities as well as myself. Kids come first! On that, I’m not really able to negotiate. But I am willing to open my perception to new ways of thinking about more compassionant perspectives.

Currently listening: With Teeth By Nine Inch Nails Release date: By 03 May, 2005
5:11 P

Third grade and a gun…Matilda 

Third grade and a gun…Matilda 

Current mood: elastigrrrl

One thing that I’m working on is being able to have good boundaries. It’s challenging because I want to help others. But if I’m unable to help myself, I have no business taking care of others. I enjoy helping. I’m interested in most of the things I’ve undertaken, but I spread myself too thin. I have to support my family, and so I have to take jobs. Then I have to work when I’ve committed to help a friend. So do I work and make the money and let down the friend. Or do I help the friend and have my family not have money (this isn’t *extra* money, this is basic food and keep the lights on money)? When I take care of my family priorities, I feel guilt. I feel like I’ve let someone down. I feel like I’m not keeping my word. And as a result, I feel like closing or hardening my heart so that I can take care of my responsibilities and not feel guilty. I sometimes want to close down to the point of disconnecting my phones, email and not answer my door and say “fuck everyone, can’t you parasites realize that I’m just one single mom, recovering crack-head-junky who is making it day-to-day and barely have enough to survive, let alone thrive, and you STILL want more?
What to do, what to do. I need help. I’m always willing to help, but it doesn’t seem to come back to me as much as needed. Keep my heart open, keep my heart open. Forgiveness, lovingkindness, compassion. Be still. I don’t HAVE to do so friggin’ much. I’m a human BEing, not a human DOing.

Egads…where’s my pirate ship? Where are my mateys? I hear the high seas calling me…

Currently reading: A Gradual Awakening By STEPHEN LEVINE Release date: By 16 January, 1989
10:39 PM

Current mood: elastigrrrl

One thing that I’m working on is being able to have good boundaries. It’s challenging because I want to help others. But if I’m unable to help myself, I have no business taking care of others. I enjoy helping. I’m interested in most of the things I’ve undertaken, but I spread myself too thin. I have to support my family, and so I have to take jobs. Then I have to work when I’ve committed to help a friend. So do I work and make the money and let down the friend. Or do I help the friend and have my family not have money (this isn’t *extra* money, this is basic food and keep the lights on money)? When I take care of my family priorities, I feel guilt. I feel like I’ve let someone down. I feel like I’m not keeping my word. And as a result, I feel like closing or hardening my heart so that I can take care of my responsibilities and not feel guilty. I sometimes want to close down to the point of disconnecting my phones, email and not answer my door and say “fuck everyone, can’t you parasites realize that I’m just one single mom, recovering crack-head-junky who is making it day-to-day and barely have enough to survive, let alone thrive, and you STILL want more?
What to do, what to do. I need help. I’m always willing to help, but it doesn’t seem to come back to me as much as needed. Keep my heart open, keep my heart open. Forgiveness, lovingkindness, compassion. Be still. I don’t HAVE to do so friggin’ much. I’m a human BEing, not a human DOing.

Egads…where’s my pirate ship? Where are my mateys? I hear the high seas calling me…

Currently reading: A Gradual Awakening By STEPHEN LEVINE Release date: By 16 January, 1989
10:39 PM

Take care of the family…
Take care of the self…
If there is time and resources leftover AFTER taking care of the family and the self…
Take care of the others…
ONLY if there is time AND resources after…
No guilt
No shame
No beating up on our self-worth.
Parasites need to fend for themselves, not feed off my scrawny carcass.
Let them seek enlightenments in the rotted flesh of the charnal ground
As I have…
They may not eat cake off of MY silver spoon.
I may not LET them.
Boundaries.

Take care of the family…
Take care of the self…
If there is time and resources leftover AFTER taking care of the family and the self…
Take care of the others…
ONLY if there is time AND resources after…
No guilt
No shame
No beating up on our self-worth.
Parasites need to fend for themselves, not feed off my scrawny carcass.
Let them seek enlightenments in the rotted flesh of the charnal ground
As I have…
They may not eat cake off of MY silver spoon.
I may not LET them.
Boundaries.

ah yes…it feel good just for the moment…but the moment passes and there is only loss.

ah yes…it feel good just for the moment…but the moment passes and there is only loss.

the happy buddha…

Current mood: fatigue and expansion

The Qlippoth and The Infernal Tree. The purpose of Gods creation was that he should be able to reveal himself fully to his creation. The sephiroth are an expression of Gods light, and the Qlippoth are an expression of the darkness. And as such it can be said that the qlippoth replace the unity of the sephiroth with dualities.Each sephira has its unbalanced aspect; and these are said to form the infernal tree of the qelippot (“harlots” or “shells”). This tree may be viewed as growing down from Malkuth of Assiah in an inversion of the Divine Tree. Thus the unbalanced qelippa corresponding to Malkuth stands above that which corresponds to Kether – matter as master of spirit, an inversion of the natural order of Creation.The qelippotic equivalent of the supernal triad, Kether, Chokmah and Binah, consists of Tohu(the Formless), Bohu (the Void) and Chashek (the Darkness)The remaining seven qelippot correspond to seven hells.The tree of life itself has its opposition in what is called the infernal tree. While the Tree of life is ascending, the Infernal tree is descending. These qlippoth can be accessed through the sephiroth which is not a sephiroth. Daath, and daath is knowledge. The key is knowledge without understanding. The qlippoth can also be seen as a shadow reflection of the sephiroth. That each sephiroth has its own opposition, as each path has its own Qlippah.It is the unbalanced aspects of each sephiroth which can be found in the corresponding qlippoth. And this is not to be taken as the negative aspects each sephiroth has in regards to eachother in order to create balance. The qlippoth are form without force. It it unbalance in its purest form, which only exists for its own existence, and it is a representation of a dynamic evil. Malkuth for instance, in the infernal tree, is a reverse representation of Kether, where matter rules over spirit, which is an inversion of the order of creation. From the formless void came darkness.The Qlippoth can be divided into seven abysses below Malkuth, as the seven palaces which is above and it is by the use of Judgement that the rulers of the qlippoth hope to regain their stations and obtain Mercy. The qlippoth resembles shattered pieces of glass, that which is contained – in opposition to the Sephiroth which are containers.

Currently listening: The Spine By They Might Be Giants Release date: By 13 July, 2004
11:04 PM

I’ve spent so much of my life keeping secrets. Mine. Others. I just realize that it’s more effective to not say shit.So I have some really fucking cool parts of my life that hardly anyone knows about. I wish I could divulge them, and I do,in my journal. I write about them there. But I wish that I was able to incorporate them into my day to day life, in conversation.I feel that it could help people, but the fact it that the subjects are just so “taboo” that I just keep them quiet becausepeople would be shocked, judge and then close their mind down. So I take the “informed intellectual” approach and point outthings about drug addicts and sex workers that might show a different take on it. Oh…aren’t I the compassionant one being able to be open tothose who do such degrading things…Yeah yeah…that’s me. A whole roiling boil of compassion. When actually I’m pretty stoked that I AM able to remain detached, loving, open and free (not to mention self-sustaining) with my secrets.Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Currently reading: Star Wars, Episode III – Revenge of the Sith By Matthew Woodring Stover Release date: By 02 April, 2005
10:08 PM

the happy buddha…

Current mood: fatigue and expansion

The Qlippoth and The Infernal Tree. The purpose of Gods creation was that he should be able to reveal himself fully to his creation. The sephiroth are an expression of Gods light, and the Qlippoth are an expression of the darkness. And as such it can be said that the qlippoth replace the unity of the sephiroth with dualities.Each sephira has its unbalanced aspect; and these are said to form the infernal tree of the qelippot (“harlots” or “shells”). This tree may be viewed as growing down from Malkuth of Assiah in an inversion of the Divine Tree. Thus the unbalanced qelippa corresponding to Malkuth stands above that which corresponds to Kether – matter as master of spirit, an inversion of the natural order of Creation.The qelippotic equivalent of the supernal triad, Kether, Chokmah and Binah, consists of Tohu(the Formless), Bohu (the Void) and Chashek (the Darkness)The remaining seven qelippot correspond to seven hells.The tree of life itself has its opposition in what is called the infernal tree. While the Tree of life is ascending, the Infernal tree is descending. These qlippoth can be accessed through the sephiroth which is not a sephiroth. Daath, and daath is knowledge. The key is knowledge without understanding. The qlippoth can also be seen as a shadow reflection of the sephiroth. That each sephiroth has its own opposition, as each path has its own Qlippah.It is the unbalanced aspects of each sephiroth which can be found in the corresponding qlippoth. And this is not to be taken as the negative aspects each sephiroth has in regards to eachother in order to create balance. The qlippoth are form without force. It it unbalance in its purest form, which only exists for its own existence, and it is a representation of a dynamic evil. Malkuth for instance, in the infernal tree, is a reverse representation of Kether, where matter rules over spirit, which is an inversion of the order of creation. From the formless void came darkness.The Qlippoth can be divided into seven abysses below Malkuth, as the seven palaces which is above and it is by the use of Judgement that the rulers of the qlippoth hope to regain their stations and obtain Mercy. The qlippoth resembles shattered pieces of glass, that which is contained – in opposition to the Sephiroth which are containers.

Currently listening: The Spine By They Might Be Giants Release date: By 13 July, 2004
11:04 PM

I’ve spent so much of my life keeping secrets. Mine. Others. I just realize that it’s more effective to not say shit.So I have some really fucking cool parts of my life that hardly anyone knows about. I wish I could divulge them, and I do,in my journal. I write about them there. But I wish that I was able to incorporate them into my day to day life, in conversation.I feel that it could help people, but the fact it that the subjects are just so “taboo” that I just keep them quiet becausepeople would be shocked, judge and then close their mind down. So I take the “informed intellectual” approach and point outthings about drug addicts and sex workers that might show a different take on it. Oh…aren’t I the compassionant one being able to be open tothose who do such degrading things…Yeah yeah…that’s me. A whole roiling boil of compassion. When actually I’m pretty stoked that I AM able to remain detached, loving, open and free (not to mention self-sustaining) with my secrets.Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Currently reading: Star Wars, Episode III – Revenge of the Sith By Matthew Woodring Stover Release date: By 02 April, 2005
10:08 PM

Current mood: piercing

I was just going to post a reply to one of the groups I belong to and I got this message: You must have a MySpace account for at least 7 days before you can post to the Forums. Sorry for the inconvenience. But this helps us fight spam in the forums and make MySpace a more enjoyable place for everyone. Damn, the man is holding me back again. (Insert crotchty old lady voice) “I remember the Internet back in the day BEFORE spam when we all had to learn UNIX in order to get anywhere or anything. I remember when “art” was done in ASCII. Yeah, yeah chinagrrrl. Save it! Well since I can’t post it in my other group I’ll cut and past the topic here. The questions was “what meta phrases are you using in your lovingkindness practice?” And someone replied that they are using the “basics” by saying: may i be happy, may i be well, may i be peaceful may my teachers be… may my family be… may my friends be… may all meditators… What I wanted to say is that I tend to add ONE more to the end of it. It has been suggested to me that I extend my practice to include people that I’m not too crazy about and even people I downright HATE. So, I add the last line “May all the MutherFuckers be well and may they be peachfull. Being full of peaches can never hurt.

Currently listening: Undertow By Tool Release date: By 06 April, 1993

Current mood: piercing

I was just going to post a reply to one of the groups I belong to and I got this message: You must have a MySpace account for at least 7 days before you can post to the Forums. Sorry for the inconvenience. But this helps us fight spam in the forums and make MySpace a more enjoyable place for everyone. Damn, the man is holding me back again. (Insert crotchty old lady voice) “I remember the Internet back in the day BEFORE spam when we all had to learn UNIX in order to get anywhere or anything. I remember when “art” was done in ASCII. Yeah, yeah chinagrrrl. Save it! Well since I can’t post it in my other group I’ll cut and past the topic here. The questions was “what meta phrases are you using in your lovingkindness practice?” And someone replied that they are using the “basics” by saying: may i be happy, may i be well, may i be peaceful may my teachers be… may my family be… may my friends be… may all meditators… What I wanted to say is that I tend to add ONE more to the end of it. It has been suggested to me that I extend my practice to include people that I’m not too crazy about and even people I downright HATE. So, I add the last line “May all the MutherFuckers be well and may they be peachfull. Being full of peaches can never hurt.

Currently listening: Undertow By Tool Release date: By 06 April, 1993

Yesterday was a neat day. I’m helping a friend search for his birthfamily. It’s the first such search I’ve been involved in and I know it means a lot to him. Yesterday we had a number of breakthroughs in the search. We found his original birth record and learned that his name matches what his foster family called him. He was born Oliver Roy (LePoint) Bortzer. I think we have found a number of his 15 aunts and uncles, possibly cousins or neice/nephews. I’m collecting the information for him and then I’ll ask if he thinks writing or calling would be best.

I did 20 minutes of meditation yesterday. It was a good practice. This morning, I only got 10 minutes before I got tremendously fidigity with all the “things I have to do”. I’ll try another session a little later.

Current mood: grateful and pressing

Yesterday’s practice went well. 20 minutes and good energy throughout. I allowed myself to be focused and tender to my distractions. Today (Wednesday) my practice was not so good. I got 10 minutes before I got tremendously fidgity and distracted thinking about “all the stuff I have to do”. So I’m doing them, then I’ll try and sit some more a little later in the day after I have some of these “pressing tasks” cleared off my plate. That is an interesting thing. I *know* that each moment is every moment and that I will have pleanty of time to do that which is necessary to do, but when the deadline is on the frontline, I can’t seem to allow myself the focus to keep my practice the priority. I still don’t trust myself to get the work done if I allow myself to “indulge” in my personal practice.I acknowledge this. I’ll work on it.

Currently Playing: Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne Release date: By 14 October, 2004
9:05 AM

my angels are darker than most… 

Yesterday was a neat day. I’m helping a friend search for his birthfamily. It’s the first such search I’ve been involved in and I know it means a lot to him. Yesterday we had a number of breakthroughs in the search. We found his original birth record and learned that his name matches what his foster family called him. He was born Oliver Roy (LePoint) Bortzer. I think we have found a number of his 15 aunts and uncles, possibly cousins or neice/nephews. I’m collecting the information for him and then I’ll ask if he thinks writing or calling would be best.

I did 20 minutes of meditation yesterday. It was a good practice. This morning, I only got 10 minutes before I got tremendously fidigity with all the “things I have to do”. I’ll try another session a little later.