// June 30th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
// June 30th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
// June 27th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
the wargate…by Wayne Barlowe. Yummy 
// June 27th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
the wargate…by Wayne Barlowe. Yummy
// June 27th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
Lucifer Rising…but not fast enough.
// June 27th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Lucifer Rising…but not fast enough.
// June 26th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
the wargate…by Wayne Barlowe. Yummy
// June 26th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Lucifer Rising…but not fast enough.
// June 25th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Got a message from someone I knew years ago. Gave me a chance to make an ammend to them for my prior behaviour. To say I am sorry for causing any suffering in their life by my unskillful action. I am not certain, but I sense much turmoil in the messages. Subtle sarcasam and hostility. I asked for clarification, because I don’t like to read into things. That’s not my job. My job is to ask them what they mean. So I did.
I have been thinking of my old behaviour from years past. Unskillful action which I thought was my only option. It caused so much pain. It was based in fear and isolation. I had a need to appear intelligent and superior, because I needed to keep everyone at arms length. It caused pain and it prevented me from making friends with myself, or anyone.
I’ve changed a lot. I know this, but others don’t. Others may remember what I was. It’s all they have to go on. Others, who have had an opportunity to see the change, sometimes think that I’m “conning” them. That I’m actually trying to lull them into a false sence of security, before I strike out with my former erratic, illogical behaviour.
**Sigh**
Karma. I’ll just keep working with an open heart to improve it.
Nameste, everyone. May my practice be of benefit not only to myself, but to everyone, everything, everywhere.
// June 25th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Got a message from someone I knew years ago. Gave me a chance to make an ammend to them for my prior behaviour. To say I am sorry for causing any suffering in their life by my unskillful action. I am not certain, but I sense much turmoil in the messages. Subtle sarcasam and hostility. I asked for clarification, because I don’t like to read into things. That’s not my job. My job is to ask them what they mean. So I did.
I have been thinking of my old behaviour from years past. Unskillful action which I thought was my only option. It caused so much pain. It was based in fear and isolation. I had a need to appear intelligent and superior, because I needed to keep everyone at arms length. It caused pain and it prevented me from making friends with myself, or anyone.
I’ve changed a lot. I know this, but others don’t. Others may remember what I was. It’s all they have to go on. Others, who have had an opportunity to see the change, sometimes think that I’m “conning” them. That I’m actually trying to lull them into a false sence of security, before I strike out with my former erratic, illogical behaviour.
**Sigh**
Karma. I’ll just keep working with an open heart to improve it.
Nameste, everyone. May my practice be of benefit not only to myself, but to everyone, everything, everywhere.
// June 18th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
Pirates for Hire!!! Specializing in Mayhem and Madness
// June 18th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Pirates for Hire!!! Specializing in Mayhem and Madness
// June 18th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
Lillith and the Love-er-ly Serpant Meow!!!
// June 18th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Lillith and the Love-er-ly Serpant Meow!!!
// June 18th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Pirates for Hire!!! Specializing in Mayhem and Madness
// June 18th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Lillith and the Love-er-ly Serpant Meow!!!
// June 17th, 2005 // 4 Comments » // life the universe and everything
Ugh…Lately I’ve been having these vivid dreams. “Release the opposing distal vertebrae…”
Last night I went to a court date for some minor infraction and I end up being sentenced to death by lethal injection, right NOW!!! Mia was with me, Larry S. was there, some NA gossip-kids. The executions chamber was a stage set up in this open-air valley. I looked for some way to escape and saw a thick, tall forest in the distance, but from here to there on three sides were these thorny bushes, red and black that grew like bamboo shoots from the ground and I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to make it and that being shot in the back by guards while trying to escape was a more traumatic situation for Mia to watch, so I calmed myself down and went past the idea that any of this had reason or fairness to it, and I spent my last hour telling her how strong and special she is and how much joy I have experienced being able to be her mom. I explained how everything she knows and loves about her mom is NOT able to be contained in this old body, which shortly I’ll be leaving. When these people do what they do, I’ll be going out of my body and when I do a million, trillion, gazillion invisible points of light will come out of me. Some of them will slip deep into your heart so that you can always quiet yourself and meditate and feel what you love of your mother there, inside you. The rest I’ll send up to the shining moon to watch over you and give you a focal point. I won’t have a body to do my #1 job of keeping you safe, so can you take over that job for me? Can you keep your self safe? When you need a little extra, just quiet yourself and look up into the face of the moon and know that I love you, even though I’ve passed into the invisible spirit realm.
I told Mia to keep her heart open. To keep it open and feeling through all of life’s challenges and to never let it close down or get hard. You have immense magick in you, babygrrrl, just as you are. Don’t let life make you afraid, find friends, find sanga. Keep open. Lovingkindness, compassion, forgiveness. I am not my body, so never be harsh with what happens here. They don’t know what they do. I forgive them. I love you.
I ask Larry S. If he will be able to make sure that my Mia will be taken care of and well-loved and cherished and he says he will.
Then I get very call. I say to all that have make this event happen. The legal participants, the judge, the execution team, the manufacturers involved, every being that has touched or invested any of themselves to make this happen tonight. May you know kindness, may you know love. May you be free from suffering, may you know love. May you receive compassion, may you know love. May you awaken, and remain awake for the remainder of your being. I forgive you and I ask you not to do this, I love you. I love all of you. Especially you Mia. All my boundless love for you.
——————-
and with that, I was injected with the neurotoxin, the audience hemmed and hawed, my body was declared dead and I watched with sorrow and detatchment as everyone, including my daughter who was in a trauma-induced daze file out of the auditorium, back to their lives…
——————
this dream woke me up early this morning and I have been contemplating it’s images since then. Tears and snot flow out of my like water today.
// June 17th, 2005 // 8 Comments » // life the universe and everything
Ugh…Lately I’ve been having these vivid dreams. “Release the opposing distal vertebrae…”
Last night I went to a court date for some minor infraction and I end up being sentenced to death by lethal injection, right NOW!!! Mia was with me, Larry S. was there, some NA gossip-kids. The executions chamber was a stage set up in this open-air valley. I looked for some way to escape and saw a thick, tall forest in the distance, but from here to there on three sides were these thorny bushes, red and black that grew like bamboo shoots from the ground and I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to make it and that being shot in the back by guards while trying to escape was a more traumatic situation for Mia to watch, so I calmed myself down and went past the idea that any of this had reason or fairness to it, and I spent my last hour telling her how strong and special she is and how much joy I have experienced being able to be her mom. I explained how everything she knows and loves about her mom is NOT able to be contained in this old body, which shortly I’ll be leaving. When these people do what they do, I’ll be going out of my body and when I do a million, trillion, gazillion invisible points of light will come out of me. Some of them will slip deep into your heart so that you can always quiet yourself and meditate and feel what you love of your mother there, inside you. The rest I’ll send up to the shining moon to watch over you and give you a focal point. I won’t have a body to do my #1 job of keeping you safe, so can you take over that job for me? Can you keep your self safe? When you need a little extra, just quiet yourself and look up into the face of the moon and know that I love you, even though I’ve passed into the invisible spirit realm.
I told Mia to keep her heart open. To keep it open and feeling through all of life’s challenges and to never let it close down or get hard. You have immense magick in you, babygrrrl, just as you are. Don’t let life make you afraid, find friends, find sanga. Keep open. Lovingkindness, compassion, forgiveness. I am not my body, so never be harsh with what happens here. They don’t know what they do. I forgive them. I love you.
I ask Larry S. If he will be able to make sure that my Mia will be taken care of and well-loved and cherished and he says he will.
Then I get very call. I say to all that have make this event happen. The legal participants, the judge, the execution team, the manufacturers involved, every being that has touched or invested any of themselves to make this happen tonight. May you know kindness, may you know love. May you be free from suffering, may you know love. May you receive compassion, may you know love. May you awaken, and remain awake for the remainder of your being. I forgive you and I ask you not to do this, I love you. I love all of you. Especially you Mia. All my boundless love for you.
——————-
and with that, I was injected with the neurotoxin, the audience hemmed and hawed, my body was declared dead and I watched with sorrow and detatchment as everyone, including my daughter who was in a trauma-induced daze file out of the auditorium, back to their lives…
——————
this dream woke me up early this morning and I have been contemplating it’s images since then. Tears and snot flow out of my like water today.
// June 12th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
June 11, 2005 – Trent doing what he does… NIN studio. NOLA 
// June 12th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
June 11, 2005 – Trent doing what he does… NIN studio. NOLA
// June 12th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
June 11, 2005 – Trent doing what he does… NIN studio. NOLA
// June 12th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Mia & her Dad go to Coney Island!!! – Mia adores getting to visit with her dad. On our second trip to NYC for my DharmaPunx DPP program she and her dad went to Coney Island. Yes, she has purple hair. She wanted to be “Lava Girl”.
// June 11th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
Mia & her Dad go to Coney Island!!! – Mia adores getting to visit with her dad. On our second trip to NYC for my DharmaPunx DPP program she and her dad went to Coney Island. Yes, she has purple hair. She wanted to be “Lava Girl”.
// June 6th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
From: The Bad Seed Date: May 31, 2005 10:42 AM The path to hell is much more fun than the path to enlightenment. Will cult leader join and save us before it is too late? Inquiring minds want to know.
—
From: chinagrrrl
Date: Jun 5, 2005 1:47 PM
Whoa? The path to hell? I thought I was already existing there, and trying to get out? Might you mean hedonism more so than hell? There is a paragraph in Tom Robbins book “Still Life With Woodpecker” which deals with nutritious food versus a Twinkie when compared to different encountered with sex. I don’t have to book anymore so I’ll have to paraphrase but it goes something like this;
Some sex is like whole food, nutritious, sound and encouraging to the body,
while other sex is akin to a Twinkie. Empty calories causing every taste bud to
carol in revelry, in ecstasy, simultaneously, while leaving vital nutrients from
the body.When I never believed I’d survive to 20, I embraced and propagated the hedonistic lifestyle, heck, why not. Then I hit the late 20′s and said why am I such a vampire??? I leave everything dead, or a husk of what it used to be. I suck the beauty and vitality out of everything I encounter. And I felt it and it wasn’t worth the suffering it was causing others and me. I opened to become more than that leech, but it comes back to me frequently. People I’ve harmed return to my path, some with a vengeance. Ugh, I still don’t relish that part, but I always learn something from them, and it gives me a chance to say I’m sorry and that I’m changing. I’ve lived my entire existence in hell and never known it. Now that I’ve been afforded an opportunity to peek outside the hells, I want to sneak out the window into the Flow as often as possible. Even a breath of the Flow restores me even if most of my self is still submerged in the hell realms. Not feasting to stay a hungry ghost.
// June 5th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
From: The Bad Seed Date: May 31, 2005 10:42 AM The path to hell is much more fun than the path to enlightenment. Will cult leader join and save us before it is too late? Inquiring minds want to know.
—
From: chinagrrrl
Date: Jun 5, 2005 1:47 PM
Whoa? The path to hell? I thought I was already existing there, and trying to get out? Might you mean hedonism more so than hell? There is a paragraph in Tom Robbins book “Still Life With Woodpecker” which deals with nutritious food versus a Twinkie when compared to different encountered with sex. I don’t have to book anymore so I’ll have to paraphrase but it goes something like this;
Some sex is like whole food, nutritious, sound and encouraging to the body,
while other sex is akin to a Twinkie. Empty calories causing every taste bud to
carol in revelry, in ecstasy, simultaneously, while leaving vital nutrients from
the body.When I never believed I’d survive to 20, I embraced and propagated the hedonistic lifestyle, heck, why not. Then I hit the late 20′s and said why am I such a vampire??? I leave everything dead, or a husk of what it used to be. I suck the beauty and vitality out of everything I encounter. And I felt it and it wasn’t worth the suffering it was causing others and me. I opened to become more than that leech, but it comes back to me frequently. People I’ve harmed return to my path, some with a vengeance. Ugh, I still don’t relish that part, but I always learn something from them, and it gives me a chance to say I’m sorry and that I’m changing. I’ve lived my entire existence in hell and never known it. Now that I’ve been afforded an opportunity to peek outside the hells, I want to sneak out the window into the Flow as often as possible. Even a breath of the Flow restores me even if most of my self is still submerged in the hell realms. Not feasting to stay a hungry ghost.
// June 2nd, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
I see the red door and I want to paint it black…no colour anymore I want it to turn black…
// June 2nd, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything
I see the red door and I want to paint it black…no colour anymore I want it to turn black…
// June 2nd, 2005 // No Comments » // china, life the universe and everything, spirit
So, I’m in recovery. There they tell us that serenity is the goal. Serenity is the highest of all emotional plains. Serenity is achieved by reducing our impulse-responses. By practicing patients. Serenity is achieved by tempering the passion in our lives.
So, I’m a mage. In magick they tell us that control garnered from observation, information gathering and practice is the goal. In magick the success is determined by the ability to manifest Will in reality. Can you make shit happen. Passion can sidetrack us. Passion can deceive us. Passion can distort our ability to “see” clearly.
So, I’m practicing Buddhist principles. In Buddhism they tell us that passion is suffering. That passion creates suffering, in myself and in others. That passion is burning and is a form of hell. Passion is a Mara that prevents enlightenment and keeps us stranded in small-mind. Also, one of the precepts is that we are to abstain from sexual misconduct. Don’t use people for my own gratification or pleasure.
So…. since most of my teaching/learning systems advocate that passion is something to be transcended…why does that feel so wrong???
It really does. I’ve been meditation on passion and what it’s context is to my social or spiritual centers. I’ve been trying to place it in context of my life experience, which is trickier because life experience sometimes tells me that something that is not good for me is the SHIT!!! For instance. In my younger years I was pretty certain that bootin’ smack would get me closer to “God”! No one could tell me differently, they didn’t understand.
So with this passion thing. Hecks, it’s been years…like, lemme see. It’s been almost 8 years since I’ve let passion rule my house. I’ve garnered control over my impulses for the most part. I’ve opened myself to the possibility that passion is distracting and I’ve removed it from my life. Having it gone and looking at it as an outside observer. I see it has a large ability to wreck some havoc in peoples lives.
HOWEVER….as that outside observer. I’m also seeing that it isn’t the passion that is the source of the problem. It is the changing of the expectations that come AFTER the passion. After the surging of the emotions, the raging of the hormones and the release; physical, mental or spiritual, the expectations of that person/being/thing change and we invest some majickal property into that being. We shift our perception so that we changs them into something they aren’t, might not want to be.
Passion as an energy is very raw and pure. I can tell from my experience that passion as a spark, lead to some very wide veins of enlightenment. But I needed to be careful and caution to allow that amazing feeling of freedom and excitement to have it’s freedom after the incident, to never try to hold onto it. To allow it to be it’s magickal self. When I did that. Passion was a huge part of my ability to open myself to the Process.
When I didn’t. When I attached some meaning of the incident onto the being or thing that helped me achieve that state. When I was emotionally needy and FORCED my blanket of perception onto another, I caused harm and suffering. I ask forgiveness from those (you included Adrian) whom I bludgoned with passion in serch of love. It was all I knew how to do at the time and I now realize how wrong that was and I have amended my behaviour.
So now. All the dust has settled from my prior abuses of passion. I’ve allowed myself to be alone and to open to what will be of benefit in my Path. I understand the state of serenity and enjoy the peace that comes with its moments. I understand the careful science of majick to manifest Will. I understand that harsh, abrupt emotions can cause suffering in beings. I understand that lovingkindness is the only pure energy that actually has the inate ability to transform all other energies. Hate can never change hate. Fear can never change hate. Denial can never change hate. But love can. Love, just by itself has the power to transform hate, to soften hate, to alter hate and to dissolve hate
Love rocks!
And love is not passion.
————————————————–
Currently reading: After the Ecstasy, the Laundry : How the Heart Grows Wise on the Spiritual Path By JACK KORNFIELD
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