Words to the Cosmos

Ohauna

// September 29th, 2005 // 2 Comments » // life the universe and everything

Ohauna means family.
Family means no body gets left behind.
I love my Ohauna.

To Mia; My job as a parent to you…

// September 29th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

To Mia; My job as a parent to you is to keep the light in your eyes safe and to prepare you for the world in which you will live.

The Body

// September 29th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

this post is a poem by a dear friend in recovery “LaLA” — I haven’t heard much from LaLa lately and at last hear she was struggling with her recovery. She’s a beautiful, strong woman and I hope she find her way to her path soon. She has so much to keep it together for. Most of all herself!!!

The Body

The Body. Beautiful.
I abused you with substances, bad relationships.
Untrue…

Unwise choices, listen to the voices
within, positive no doubt within. Recovery,
Music is all about…

Prayer, meditation, laughing and relaxing are do’s.
The don’ts are chaos, disorder things. T
hings that don’t come over for I am a being, a vessle of food for thought.

Knowledge is the key. Wisdom, a lot.

demonifer – yummy 

// September 29th, 2005 // 3 Comments » // Uncategorized

demonifer – yummy 

// September 29th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

demonifer – yummy 

The Long Hours of the American Work Day & another chapter in the same story for Mona

// September 29th, 2005 // 1 Comment » // life the universe and everything

Another Wednesday flies by me. I’m enjoying work, but I think it’s entirely too long. I’m fairly convinced that I could get all my work done in a 4-hour day or three 6-hour days. I’m pretty sure that most people could if they applied themselves. I just think that sitting in one place for 9 hours a day is too much like being a veal. Gods know I’m fat and tender as a result of a lack of movement.

I was on livejournal earlier today and I noticed that Mona has continued his blogging experience. He seems to be on a new chapter of the same story of his life. Ever questing for the muse. Strange how he can’t see that once his conquest has become his captive he extinguishes the very light in them that he was attracted to. The more I learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder the more I see him as the poster child for the disorder.

Whoever Sabriene is…girlie, you better run!

Another evening where the Darrington girls won’t be getting home until after 9 pm. Sheesh…

Ohauna

// September 28th, 2005 // 20 Comments » // life the universe and everything

Ohauna means family.
Family means no body gets left behind.
I love my Ohauna.

To Mia; My job as a parent to you…

// September 28th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

To Mia; My job as a parent to you is to keep the light in your eyes safe and to prepare you for the world in which you will live.

The Body

// September 28th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

this post is a poem by a dear friend in recovery “LaLA” — I haven’t heard much from LaLa lately and at last hear she was struggling with her recovery. She’s a beautiful, strong woman and I hope she find her way to her path soon. She has so much to keep it together for. Most of all herself!!!

The Body

The Body. Beautiful.
I abused you with substances, bad relationships.
Untrue…

Unwise choices, listen to the voices
within, positive no doubt within. Recovery,
Music is all about…

Prayer, meditation, laughing and relaxing are do’s.
The don’ts are chaos, disorder things. T
hings that don’t come over for I am a being, a vessle of food for thought.

Knowledge is the key. Wisdom, a lot.

// September 28th, 2005 // 12 Comments » // life the universe and everything

demonifer – yummy 

The Long Hours of the American Work Day & another chapter in the same story for Mona

// September 28th, 2005 // 4 Comments » // life the universe and everything

Another Wednesday flies by me. I’m enjoying work, but I think it’s entirely too long. I’m fairly convinced that I could get all my work done in a 4-hour day or three 6-hour days. I’m pretty sure that most people could if they applied themselves. I just think that sitting in one place for 9 hours a day is too much like being a veal. Gods know I’m fat and tender as a result of a lack of movement.

I was on livejournal earlier today and I noticed that Mona has continued his blogging experience. He seems to be on a new chapter of the same story of his life. Ever questing for the muse. Strange how he can’t see that once his conquest has become his captive he extinguishes the very light in them that he was attracted to. The more I learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder the more I see him as the poster child for the disorder.

Whoever Sabriene is…girlie, you better run!

Another evening where the Darrington girls won’t be getting home until after 9 pm. Sheesh…

Yep…I'm content.

// September 27th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Pigs must be flying and Hell is probably frozen over. I’m content. Today. Right now. I’m content. My mindfulness training and compassion practice seems to be manifesting an internal change. I can see it when I check my internal gauge to what it was a year ago, two years. So I’m going to keep doing most of it. I trust myself more. I accept that life is not always fair and I let other people be where they are on the Path. I trust the process. I trust the strange and wonderful things that appear on my Path.

However, I do hope that my Path soon encounters a full fellowship and teaching assistantship to Naropa. I’m not attached to that, but it would be a nice thing to have on my Path.

Work is good. It is work. I’m not enthralled by the whole concept and personally I feel that I could get all the work required of me done in a four-hour day or three six-hour days. I’d be happy to make less wages and have more free time. It’s just a LOT of hours sitting in one place under flourescent lighting. I’m never craving that!

Have a test today in Abnormal Psychology. It's my…

// September 27th, 2005 // 1 Comment » // Uncategorized

Have a test today in Abnormal Psychology. It’s my first test and I’ve only studied a little bit. I hope it was enough. I’m finding it difficult to study like I usually do while I’m working as much as I currently am. However, I’m accepting that it has to be enough. I’m content. 

Yep…I’m content.

// September 27th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

Pigs must be flying and Hell is probably frozen over. I’m content. Today. Right now. I’m content. My mindfulness training and compassion practice seems to be manifesting an internal change. I can see it when I check my internal gauge to what it was a year ago, two years. So I’m going to keep doing most of it. I trust myself more. I accept that life is not always fair and I let other people be where they are on the Path. I trust the process. I trust the strange and wonderful things that appear on my Path.

However, I do hope that my Path soon encounters a full fellowship and teaching assistantship to Naropa. I’m not attached to that, but it would be a nice thing to have on my Path.

Work is good. It is work. I’m not enthralled by the whole concept and personally I feel that I could get all the work required of me done in a four-hour day or three six-hour days. I’d be happy to make less wages and have more free time. It’s just a LOT of hours sitting in one place under flourescent lighting. I’m never craving that!

// September 27th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

Have a test today in Abnormal Psychology. It’s my first test and I’ve only studied a little bit. I hope it was enough. I’m finding it difficult to study like I usually do while I’m working as much as I currently am. However, I’m accepting that it has to be enough. I’m content. 

Yep…I’m content.

// September 27th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

Pigs must be flying and Hell is probably frozen over. I’m content. Today. Right now. I’m content. My mindfulness training and compassion practice seems to be manifesting an internal change. I can see it when I check my internal gauge to what it was a year ago, two years. So I’m going to keep doing most of it. I trust myself more. I accept that life is not always fair and I let other people be where they are on the Path. I trust the process. I trust the strange and wonderful things that appear on my Path.

However, I do hope that my Path soon encounters a full fellowship and teaching assistantship to Naropa. I’m not attached to that, but it would be a nice thing to have on my Path.

Work is good. It is work. I’m not enthralled by the whole concept and personally I feel that I could get all the work required of me done in a four-hour day or three six-hour days. I’d be happy to make less wages and have more free time. It’s just a LOT of hours sitting in one place under flourescent lighting. I’m never craving that!

// September 27th, 2005 // 4 Comments » // life the universe and everything

Have a test today in Abnormal Psychology. It’s my first test and I’ve only studied a little bit. I hope it was enough. I’m finding it difficult to study like I usually do while I’m working as much as I currently am. However, I’m accepting that it has to be enough. I’m content. 

Had a really vivid dream about Trent R. yesterday….

// September 22nd, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Had a really vivid dream about Trent R. yesterday. Long epic illusionary tale with lots of weaving and bending and twisting and turning. Woke up and realized I had been crying. Feeling the feelings that I’ve never stopped long enough to fell. It’s all here now. With interest. Dos dagos mes amigos, everythings cool. 

// September 22nd, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

Had a really vivid dream about Trent R. yesterday. Long epic illusionary tale with lots of weaving and bending and twisting and turning. Woke up and realized I had been crying. Feeling the feelings that I’ve never stopped long enough to fell. It’s all here now. With interest. Dos dagos mes amigos, everythings cool. 

// September 22nd, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

Had a really vivid dream about Trent R. yesterday. Long epic illusionary tale with lots of weaving and bending and twisting and turning. Woke up and realized I had been crying. Feeling the feelings that I’ve never stopped long enough to fell. It’s all here now. With interest. Dos dagos mes amigos, everythings cool. 

Babysitting

// September 18th, 2005 // 4 Comments » // life the universe and everything

I’m watching a few of the girls in our neighborhood so that their mom can go out and I’m having a little trouble. There are four girls (including mine) . Three of them are six and the other one is four. It was supposed to be an easy night. We rented some movies and ordered some pizza. However it’s one of those nights where none of them get along for more than two minutes with any other girl. It’s three-aginst-one, two-against-two, one against everyone. I’ve been refereeing all night and it’s totally stressing me out. I know they are just being little girls and having fun, but I’m not in the ‘zone’ tonight. I’m not feeling very “nurturing” tonight. That’s the one really bad thing about being a single mom. Sometimes I’m just at my limit and I NEED a break, and there isn’t one.

The Passion of NOLA

// September 18th, 2005 // 1 Comment » // life the universe and everything

Looking into the windows of this world.
History of a city built on corruption and hedonism.
Search for the New World and New Orleans was built.
Fifteen feet below sea level in a swamp.
But the Mississippi surrounds us with its power and grace.
The fury of fire and flood has destroyed this city entirely five times since 1820.
Each time the city has enough passion and love to recreate itself.
A phoenix rising from the ash and the mire.
The majick to enchant the river enough not to drown us.
The rains caring enough to wash our city clean from thyme to thyme.
The oaks are rampant down here.
The minute seeds planted in our swamp lands have taken root.
The oaks line the streets and cover us from intense glare of the overhead sun.
The oaks protect our inhibitants from the days penetrating gaze.

Babysitting

// September 17th, 2005 // 8 Comments » // life the universe and everything

I’m watching a few of the girls in our neighborhood so that their mom can go out and I’m having a little trouble. There are four girls (including mine) . Three of them are six and the other one is four. It was supposed to be an easy night. We rented some movies and ordered some pizza. However it’s one of those nights where none of them get along for more than two minutes with any other girl. It’s three-aginst-one, two-against-two, one against everyone. I’ve been refereeing all night and it’s totally stressing me out. I know they are just being little girls and having fun, but I’m not in the ‘zone’ tonight. I’m not feeling very “nurturing” tonight. That’s the one really bad thing about being a single mom. Sometimes I’m just at my limit and I NEED a break, and there isn’t one.

The Passion of NOLA

// September 17th, 2005 // 8 Comments » // life the universe and everything

Looking into the windows of this world.
History of a city built on corruption and hedonism.
Search for the New World and New Orleans was built.
Fifteen feet below sea level in a swamp.
But the Mississippi surrounds us with its power and grace.
The fury of fire and flood has destroyed this city entirely five times since 1820.
Each time the city has enough passion and love to recreate itself.
A phoenix rising from the ash and the mire.
The majick to enchant the river enough not to drown us.
The rains caring enough to wash our city clean from thyme to thyme.
The oaks are rampant down here.
The minute seeds planted in our swamp lands have taken root.
The oaks line the streets and cover us from intense glare of the overhead sun.
The oaks protect our inhibitants from the days penetrating gaze.

Some Notes on Childhood Sexual Abuse

// September 10th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

091005
SILA: “Letting Someone Help”

Key Concepts from the reading:
• Taking care of ourselves is good, but we can take it too far.
• It’s easy for us to give because it puts us in control.
• I have a fiercely independent streak in my nature.
• I’m afraid I’ll be indebted.
• One of my fears is that I’ll be needy and dependent and therefore I’ll be a burden on someone.

“Since you will never love me because of my innate badness, there’s no reason to thing you would want to do anything for me. I can’t count on you to help, assist, support or take care of me.” — This obliterates trust and leave only one option–>to be in control.

Chaotically disengaged family style – Little cohesion in the family unit. Little family loyalty. Family members disengage themselves from one another.

Core beliefs are the foundation of my addictive system

SHAME is different than GUILT

GUILT is feeling about committing acts which I know are wrong.
SHAME is experiencing that I am fundamentally wrong as a person, not because I did bad “acts”. Nothing you can do can make up for this “wrongness” It is paired with an intense fear of exposure.

Child concludes “to survive one can only count on oneself”.

Survivor-mode = “my needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.”

The addictive system is a shamed based system. Take the shame out and foster self-love and addictive patterns naturally recede as an ability to make good choices continues.

Sexual abuse generates shame in many ways
• Children do not trust adults.
• Children are blamed for the abuse, wrongly believing it is their fault that it happened.
• Children are harmed physically, so that they equate pain with sex.
• Children are invaded, creating feelings of powerlessness.
• Children associate sex with being degraded & losing self-respect.
• Children feel they are not in control of their own bodies.
• Children confuse sex with intimacy & love.

Eroticized Children

There is a clear relationship between the sexual abuse of children & fathers who were sexually promiscuous and alcoholic.

Covert Incest is devastating because of it’s subtlety. Flirtatious, suggestive or sexually titillating. Comments on shape of breasts.

Because they have done nothing other than talk and look, the children are left feeling uncomfortable, shameful and crazy.

Intensity –/- intimacy
Obsession –/- love, care
Control –/- security

Some Notes on Childhood Sexual Abuse

// September 10th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

091005
SILA: “Letting Someone Help”

Key Concepts from the reading:
• Taking care of ourselves is good, but we can take it too far.
• It’s easy for us to give because it puts us in control.
• I have a fiercely independent streak in my nature.
• I’m afraid I’ll be indebted.
• One of my fears is that I’ll be needy and dependent and therefore I’ll be a burden on someone.

“Since you will never love me because of my innate badness, there’s no reason to thing you would want to do anything for me. I can’t count on you to help, assist, support or take care of me.” — This obliterates trust and leave only one option–>to be in control.

Chaotically disengaged family style – Little cohesion in the family unit. Little family loyalty. Family members disengage themselves from one another.

Core beliefs are the foundation of my addictive system

SHAME is different than GUILT

GUILT is feeling about committing acts which I know are wrong.
SHAME is experiencing that I am fundamentally wrong as a person, not because I did bad “acts”. Nothing you can do can make up for this “wrongness” It is paired with an intense fear of exposure.

Child concludes “to survive one can only count on oneself”.

Survivor-mode = “my needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.”

The addictive system is a shamed based system. Take the shame out and foster self-love and addictive patterns naturally recede as an ability to make good choices continues.

Sexual abuse generates shame in many ways
• Children do not trust adults.
• Children are blamed for the abuse, wrongly believing it is their fault that it happened.
• Children are harmed physically, so that they equate pain with sex.
• Children are invaded, creating feelings of powerlessness.
• Children associate sex with being degraded & losing self-respect.
• Children feel they are not in control of their own bodies.
• Children confuse sex with intimacy & love.

Eroticized Children

There is a clear relationship between the sexual abuse of children & fathers who were sexually promiscuous and alcoholic.

Covert Incest is devastating because of it’s subtlety. Flirtatious, suggestive or sexually titillating. Comments on shape of breasts.

Because they have done nothing other than talk and look, the children are left feeling uncomfortable, shameful and crazy.

Intensity –/- intimacy
Obsession –/- love, care
Control –/- security

NEPHTHYS | NEBET-HET

// September 4th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

NEPHTHYS | NEBET-HET: Goddess of women. Wife of Seth, and the dark twin of Asar. Sister of Aset. She is also the mother of Anpu

NEPHTHYS | NEBET-HET

// September 4th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything

NEPHTHYS | NEBET-HET: Goddess of women. Wife of Seth, and the dark twin of Asar. Sister of Aset. She is also the mother of Anpu

SET | SUTI

// September 4th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

SET | SUTI

// September 4th, 2005 // No Comments » // life the universe and everything