Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single …

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Do not believe in anything simply because you hav…

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"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem."David Car…

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Cherokee Expression

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Lilith in Jewish Mysticism – Treatise on the Left Emanation

// March 28th, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

thanks to Serpentis Satori for the following information

—————————————————————

Lilith in Jewish Mysticism

Treatise on the Left Emanation

R. Isaac b. Jacob Ha-Kohen

Tr. Ronald C. Kiener

Joseph Dan, ed. The Early Kabbalah, (New York: Pauilist Press, 1986), exerpted from pp. 172-182). Used by permission of the translator.

6. I will now set down the names of the princes of jealousy and enmity. Yet since their essence and their service is true and pure, their mouths are free from mendacity and neither lies nor falsehoods pass between them.

The first prince and accuser, the commander of jealousy, is evil Samael, accompanied by his retinue. He is called “evil” not because of his nature but because he desires to unite and intimately mingle with an emanation not of his nature, as we shall explain.
The second prince is called his deputy, and his name is Za’afi’el, accompanied by his entourage.
The third prince is called third-in-command, and his name is Za’ami’el, accompanied by his staff.
The fourth prince is Qasfi’el, accompanied by his retinue.
The fifth prince is Ragzi’el, accompanied by his staff.
The sixth prince is ‘Abri’el, accompanied by his staff.
The seventh is Meshulhi’el, accompanied by his staff. These latter comprise the delegation of evil angels.

….

19. In answer to your question concerning Lilith, I shall explain to you the essence of the matter. Concerning this point there is a received tradition from the ancient Sages who made use of the Secret Knowledge of the Lesser Palaces, which is the manipulation of demons and a ladder by which one ascends to the prophetic levels. In this tradition it is made clear that Samael and Lilith were born as one, similar to the form of Adam and Eve who were also born as one, reflecting what is above. This is the account of Lilith which was received by the Sages in the Secret Knowledge of the Palaces. The Matron Lilith is the mate of Samael. Both of them were born at the same hour in the image of Adam and Eve, intertwined in each other. Asmodeus the great king of the demons has as a mate the Lesser (younger) Lilith, daughter of the king whose name is Qafsefoni. The name of his mate is Mehetabel daughter of Matred, and their daughter is Lilith.

This is the exact text of what is written in The Chapters of the Lesser Palaces as we have received it, word for word and letter for letter. And the scholars of this wisdom possess a very profound tradition from the ancients. They found it stated in those Chapters that Samael, the great prince of them all, grew exceedingly jealous of Asmodeus the king of the demons because of this Lilith who is called Lilith the Maiden (the young). She is in the form of a beautiful woman from her head to her waist. But from the waist down she is burning fire–like mother like daughter. She is called Mehetabel daughter of Matred, and the meaning is something immersed (mabu tabal). The meaning here is that her intentions are never for the good. She only seeks to incite wars and various demons of war and the war between Daughter Lilith and Matron Lilith.

They say that from Asmodeus and his mate Lilith a great prince was born in heaven. He is the ruler of eighty thousand destructive demons and is called “the sword of king Asmodeus.” His name is Alefpene’ash and His face burns like a raging fire (‘esh). He is also called Gurigur, for he antagonizes and struggles with the prince of Judah, who is called Gur Aryeh Yehudah (Lion-cub of Judah). From the same form that gave birth to this war-demon another prince, a prince whose root is in Kingdom, was born in heaven. He is called “the sword of the Messiah.” He too has two names: Meshihi’el and Kokhvi’el. When the time comes and when God wishes, this sword will leave its sheath and verses of prophecy will come True: “For My sword shall be drunk in the heavens; Lo, it shall come down upon Edom” (Isaiah 34:5). “A star rises from Jacob” (Numbers; 24:17). Amen. Soon in our days may we merit to see the face of the Messiah our righteous one; we and all our people….

22. I shall now teach you a wonderful innovation. You already know that evil Samael and wicked Lilith are like a sexual pair who, by means of an intermediary, receive an evil and wicked emanation from one and emanate to the other. I shall explain this relying on the esoteric meaning in the verse “In that day the Lord will punish with His great, cruel, mighty sword Leviathan the twisted serpent and Leviathan the tortuous serpent”–this is Lilith–”and He will slay the dragon of the sea” (Isaiah 27:1). As there is a pure Leviathan in the sea and it is called a serpent, so there is a great defiled serpent in the sea in the literal sense. The same holds true above in a hidden way. The heavenly serpent is a blind prince, the image of an intermediary between Samael and Lilith. Its name is Tanin’iver[24] The masters of tradition said that just as this serpent slithers without eyes, so the supernal serpent has the image of a spiritual form without color–these are “the eyes.” The tradiationists call it an eyeless creature, therefore its name is Tanin’iver. He is the bond, the accompaniment, and the union between Samael and Lilith. If he were created whole in the fullness of his emanation he would have destroyed the world in an instant. .

When the divine Will arrives and the emanation of Samael and Lilith weakens the emanation achieved by the blind prince, they will be completely annihilated by Gabriel prince of Strength, who instigates war against them with the aid of the prince of Lovingkindness. then the verse which we have expounded according to its secret meaning will come true….

24. I found written in the name of an ancient traditionist and in the name of the perfect Hasid of blessed memory[25] that Lilith is also Taninsam.[26] They said that this name is based on the serpent who is in the image of an intermediary between Lilith and her mate. He will eat deadly poison at the hands of the prince of Strength; it is an elixir of life for all whose inclination overcomes them. Then he participates with Michael, the prince of Lovingkindness, in defeating the rule of evil in heaven and on earth. Then the verse will come true: “For His Lovingkindness has overcome us; the truth of God endures forever. Hallelujah” (Psalms 117:2).

The secret of the covenant of salt (melab)[27] is the kingdom of the accompaniment of beauty[28] Therefore they hinted with secrets regarding the salted fish [Leviathan] to feed the righteous in future time. Happy is he who understands these things as they are.

Notes

[24]. Lit
erally “blind serpent.”
[25]. Rabbi Judah the Hasid?
[26]. Literally; “poisonous serpent,” but also “blind” (suma’).
[27]. See Numbers 18:19.
[28]. Malkhut Leviat Hen.

The Invocation of Lilith — A Rite of Dark Sexuality

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The Invocation of Lilith — A Rite of Dark Sexuality
by Joseph Max.555 and Lilith Darkchilde.777

*WARNINGS*: Lilith is a primal egregore of the dark animal. She is unfettered sexual dominance and power. This invocation should not be attempted by those with little background in ceremonial magic, nor by those who harbour unresolved psychological problems related to sexuality.If blood is to be drawn, or sexual activities ensue, all precautions pertaining to the prevention of diseases borne by blood or sexual fluids should properly be observed. It may be wise to appoint a “guardian” who shall “observe” the rite as it proceeds from a detached viewpoint and intervene if the participants, in their excess, are about to commit dangerous acts. The guardian should cast hir own circle of protection about hirself. The guardian should only intervene if there is a threat of serious bodily harm; otherwise, events must be allowed to transpire as they will. Anyone fearful of the possible psychological effects of this rite would do well not to participate in it in the first place. It is not for the timid.

With these caveats, all discretion pertaining to these matters is left to the participants. The authors assume no responsibility for the irresponsibility of the participants in performance of this rite. You have been warned!

Materials:

– Black, and/or purple candles
– Musk incense
– A silver chalice
– A scourging whip (“cat-o-nine-tails” type)
– Black cape, preferable satin (for Main Operator)
– Red wine
– A (sterile) scalpel or x-acto knife (to draw blood)
– A fairly decent music playback system, and an ominous, sexual musical selection. (Diamanda Galas, “Deliver Me From My Enemies” or This Mortal Coil, “Filigree and Shadow” are excellent choices, but this is left up to the participants.

Preparation:

Lilith is the primal feminine aspect of dark sexuality. For that reason, it is the opinion of the authors that invocation is more likely to succeed if the Main Operator is female. This is not to discount the possibility of success with a male M.O., but he must be able to contact his primal feminine nature strongly enough to succeed at invoking she who is the most fundamental of all feminine demons. The participants may be either male or female or a mixture of both in any proportion.The applications of this rite vary considerably. Since it is a combined Lunar/Saturnine working, it may be approached as a ritual rehearsal of sex and death (very Thanateros-ian, eh?) – much like Carroll’s Thanateros Invocation from _Liber Kaos_. As presented here, it is a ritual of liberation and is also used to bring forth a Word Of Power from the egregore for subsequent use by the participants; therefore the Statement of Intent reflects this intention. The Statement should be tailored to properly express the intentions of a particular working.

The Rite:

0. Large black candles are arranged in a circle around the temple space and lit, as is copious quantities of incense. The room should be thick with smoke.

1. Banish by LBRP, GPR, Vortex or other procedure as desired.
2. The Main Operator, naked beneath the black robe, takes position in the middle of the circle. She holds the scourge in her right hand. Other participants sit in a circle around the M.O. The music begins.
3. The Statement of Intent is declared by the M.O. and echoed by all participants: “It is our Will to invoke the egregore of Lilith, so that by her spirit we experience the power of Sex and Death and obtain her Word Of Power!”
4. The following passage (see notes) is recited by the M.O. to invoke the persona of Lilith into hir body and mind: “I am the daughter of Fortitude and ravished every hour from my youth. For behold, I am Understanding, and science dwelleth in me; and the heavens oppress me. They covet and desire me with infinite appetite; for none that are earthly have embraced me, for I am shadowed with the Circle of the Stars, and covered with the morning clouds. My feet are swifter than the winds, and my hands are sweeter than the morning dew. My garments are from the beginning, and my dwelling place is in myself. The Lion knoweth not where I walk, neither do the beasts of the field understand me. I am deflowered, yet a virgin; I sanctify and am not sanctified. Happy is he that embraceth me: for in the night season I am sweet, and in the day full of pleasure. My company is a harmony of many symbols, and my lips sweeter than health itself. I am a harlot for such as ravish me, and a virgin with such as know me not. Purge your streets, O ye sons of men, and wash your houses clean; make yourselves holy, and put on righteousness. Cast out your old strumpets, and burn their clothes and then I will bring forth children unto you and they shall be the Sons of Comfort in the Age that is to come.”
5. The participants then begin chanting the mantra of Lilith. As they chant, the Main Operator must sink into a deep gnostic trance and invoke the spirit of Lilith into hir body.”Flesh she will eat, blood she will drink!” (repeat)
6. As the chant continues, one participant (the Secondary Operator) recites the following: “Dark is she, but brilliant! Black are her wings, black on black! Her lips are red as rose, kissing all of the Universe! She is Lilith,who leadeth forth the hordes of the abyss, and leadeth man to ruin! She is the irresistible fulfiller of all lust, seer of desire. First of all women was she – Lilith, not Eve was the first! Her hand brings forth the revolution of the Will and true freedom of the mind! She is KI-SI-KIL-LIL-LA-KE, Queen of the Magic Circle! Look on her in lust and despair!
7. The participants begin to chant “Lilith! Lilith! Lilith!” repeatedly as the the M.O. invokes the Lilithian egregore. One by one they pass around the scalpel and cut their left thumb and anoint their foreheads with blood. They then pass around the chalice (which is filled with red wine) and touch it to their foreheads one by one. After all have done so, it is taken to the M.O. who drains it in a single draught. This is the climax of the invocation.
8. If the invocation is successful, all participants should feel the emotions of simultaneous fear, lust and the urge to submit. Forced over-breathing or another variation of Death Posture should be used to deepen each participant’s level of gnosis until they come close to fainting. As they are overcome by these emotions, they should fall to the ground and prostrate themselves before Lilith.
9. What proceeds next is not specified, but left up to the will of the egregore. She may choose to scourge the participants, or mock them or entice them or seduce them. She may force them to commit various unspeakable acts of lust upon her or each other. All participants must submit to her will, whatever it may be – it would be dangerous in the extreme to do otherwise; do not risk the wrath of Lilith!
10. Eventually the energy of the group will begin to wane. At this point, the S.O. (prompted by the guardian, if nessesary) will rise and face the M.O. and recite the following in a commanding voice:

“Black Moon, Lilith, sister darkest,
Whose hands form the hellish mire,
At my weakest, at my strongest,
Molding me as clay from fire.
Black Moon, Lilith, Mare of Night,
You cast your litter to the ground
Speak the Name and take to flight
Utter now the secret sound!”

11. The M.O. from within the depths of the Lilith-trance, will call out a name, as the legendary Lilith did call out the unutterable name of God to rise up from Eden into the heavens. It is not known in advance what this word will be, but it will most certainly be a Word of Power to be used subsequently by the participants in further magickal work.
12. If all has been done properly, the spirit of Lilith will flee the M.O. at the callin
g of the Name, and s/he will likely fall to the ground, spent. The guardian or S.O. should then draw an upright pentagram over the M.O., a full facial lustration of cold water is administered to hir, and s/he is called forth by her ordinary name until s/he responds.
13. The temple is banished and closed.

Notes:

The invocation is the text of a message delivered by an unidentified spirit entity to Sir Edward Kelly in 1592 during a scrying ritual. Kelly, along with Dr. John Dee (Queen Elizibeth’s Royal Astrologer), originated the Enochian system of magic. The vision of this entity so frightened Kelly that he abandoned the working of magic from that day forward. Though Kelly never identified the entity, in our opinion it represented the Lilith egregore. The calling forth of Lilith is adapted from “The Hymn to Hecate” by Frater U:.D:.

The Cure – Burn (Crow Soundtrack)

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NIN – Where is everybody

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Call Me by My True Names by -Thich Nhat Hanh -

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Anger and Lust

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I try to keep my self a fair distance away from my “hot” emotions because they have a tendency to go nova on me and cause consequences I have no intention on paying.  I breath and train and write.  I don’t *avoid* the emotions, but I try to stay detached to them.  Anubium referred to his last switch being “pride.” And I can relate, but I tried to unwire that switch too.  I held too many small resentments when pride was used as my gauge.  Seems like I could find ANYTHING that would offend my delicate sensibilities.

Anger is often tied to ego.  Rage…rage is just an energy source.  I can rage with lust, creativity…well, maybe “frenzy” is a better word.  Rage = fury!  Fury = out of control and I LIKE being out of control too much to encourage it!  Lust, well not lust my friends is another form of attachment.  Lust is also tied to a physiological urge.  I know that if I don’t find some outlet for my DNA to make an attempt at replicating itself, my system gets all funky.  So…I have my ways.  Again, I try to be mindful, but also to keep my attachments at a minimum.

Lust in my hands, though.  Not to be conceited, but that is one of MY dark gifts.  But it was honed in very exploitive fires.  I learned very young and in very dark places exactly how to use my sexual energies to cloud the mind of others and to gain resources for myself.  It was a necessary and valuable lesson.  Now, as an independent adult, I get to choose how much ‘honey I let drip from my sticky-pot” and cloud the minds of the drones. (Don’t fret fellow Sith, like the Mind Tricks, this only works on simple minds.) But it has proven it’s complications as well.  For instance, I know how to operate as a machine.  A trained machine.  But what about when I want to perform the same tasks in my compassionate/open persona?

Anubium, can you go into a fight after a 4 hour Metta (LovingKindness) meditation.  It tends to fuck up the whole game.  So, these are areas in which I continue to train myself.  One of my trainings years ago was in “attraction.”  The whole idea was to betray one’s attractions.  To condition the self to find the repulsive enticing and the alluring despicable.  I’ll have to see if I can find the paperwork on that one because it might make good for sharing here.  What it HAS done is provide me with a foundation from which I can distance myself from my own personal preferences or opinions and operate from Will. 

Anger dissolves.  Lust dissolves.  What remains is pure.  Pure what?  Who the heck knows?  But I’ve tasted it, and it’s about as undiluted a source as I’ve found.

As It Is…So Be It

Chinagrrrl

Alex, What is the Nature of the Dark Side for 400 please…

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Word of the Day for Tuesday March 21, 2006

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Emailing: hit-with-the-double-bind-stick

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Black Moon Ritual, Conquering the Shadows | written by Sor.: Zauberkraut

// March 9th, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

[ed. note-- While this ritual is much more CM than what I prefer, the usefulness of confronting those things that scare you cannot be overstressed, something which terrifies you has power over you.Healthy caution is a good thing. I do not think unreasoning fear is --Amythyst]

Dealing with ones fears and so-called shadows is essential to the aspiring magician. Only through continuously facing and conquering our shadows can we put ourselves truly in charge of our lives.Being in touch with, and realistic about “the dark night of the soul” is also a tool against the most dangerous, and common, sickness of the magician: megalomania and paranoia. It appears that the majority of humans in this society go through life in a moderately depressed state. It seems that people avoid major mood changes, preferring to be more or less miserable at all times. One who does not know the deep pit of fear and depression will also never know the high altitudes of ecstasy. This ritual is designed to get people in touch with their shadows and to overcome them. Our fears and depressions are in fact our demons and shadows. For the individuals who refuse to deal with them they become ever more treacherous and powerful. To quote Fra.: U.D.: “If you lock the demons in the basement they are going to blow up your house!”

Paraphernalia:

• Black altar cloth
• one black candle
• tarot card XVIII (The Moon)
• Hecate or Moon/Pluto incense
• tapes with appropriate music (Diamanda Galas “The Saint of the Pit” and Laibach “Life is Life)
• white votive candles in glass container, one for each participant, to be used to cast out unwanted shadows.

Structure: Banishing ritual of personal preference

Statement of intent: “It is our will to face and overcome our shadows”

Five minutes of guided pranayama during which the instrumental portion of the Diamanda Galas is played. The Magister Templi guides the pranayama by raising and lowering his or her hands over the altar in time with the breathing. He or she should begin to slow the breathing down gradually in order to allow all of the participants to tune in and breath simultaneously.

At the end of the instrumental portion of the tape participants form a circle facing outwards, for we must conquer our shadows by ourselves.

Here a guided meditation follows while the music continues:

Remember a time in your life when you
were truly miserable, you have become terribly depressed, you feel you have no
value, your love has betrayed you, life is pain. You begin to feel very
weak now, all your will power is gone and you are frightened. Your knees are
shaking, no strength, no hope, nothing can help you now.

Lie down on the floor, curling up in an
embryonic position, you are alone, nobody is present to help you, all of your
friends have left, your parents have long since departed. You have nothing any
more, terrified you lay there.

This is the dark night of the soul, you
are completely obsessed by pain, insanity, depression. You begin to go insane
with misery as the shadows around you begin to cackle with delight. There
isnaught you can do in the paralyzing anxiety. There is absolutely nobody there
to assist you. All that remains is total surrender…..

(All of this litany should have been read in a slow enough fashion to allow the participants to trance out and the tape to end. During the rest of the meditation the M.T. moves about lighting the candles one by one.)

Yet in darkness there is light! Feel the
life force retuning to you. Feel your heartbeat strong and vigorous, fill
your lungs with air, roll onto your back and stretch. Stretch your body as
though it were recently awakened from a long deep sleep. Stretch with your arms,
legs, back and neck. You are attempting to touch the universe, open your senses
and your eyes as wide as they possibly can be.

Colin Low, You are Just a Wealth of Information…

// March 8th, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I just love this guy. He should keep writing, because he saves me a lot of time trying to compose similar documents. It is MUCH easier to copy-n-paste a good article from this guy that to re-write the same material. Good job, Mr. Low. Kudos, thanks, and keep up the good work! ~China

What is Satanism?

According to the common definition, it is the worship of the fallen angel Satan by performing acts of evil. The truth of the matter is, that though there are diverse concepts of Satanism, few who call themselves such would consider the above statement to be remotely accurate.
Satanic perspectives range from those which are totally atheistic, to those which revere Satan as a god. How Satanism can exist yet not be a pursuit of “evil”- is resolved when one considers that most Satanists do not believe in evil at all, and virtually all disagree with the various Judeo-Christian understandings of Satan. Those who do believe in an entity called Satan, tend to believe that the behavior and intent of the being is both noble and misinterpreted.
Satanists remain at odds with a society so suffused with Judeo-Christian ideals, that their perspectives are rarely listened to with an open mind. Here is my understanding of the “Satanic Scene”
The best known figure in modern Satanism is Anton LaVey, whose Church of Satan is agnostic with regards to Satan himself, and promotes a perspective of religio-philosophic materialism. Those who look towards LaVey for inspiration, feel that Satanism is the pursuit of the passionate and intelligent qualities of life.
Another well known leader of Satanism is Michael Aquino, whose Temple of Set splintered away from LaVey’s organization over philosophic differences. The Temple of Set worships a dark god who has historically manifested as both Set and Satan, and revealed a philosophy of self-improvement called “Xeper”. The Setian perspective, though rich in Egyptian imagery, owes a lot to the writings of Plato, Pythagoras, and Crowley.
Outside of the United States, a fairly large number of small Satanic organizations operate- many it seems, in New Zealand. Though largely discounted by members of the first two groups, various Yoruban-Syncretic religions which formed when African slaves settled in colonial lands, have public and popular worship of Satan, whom they call Exu.
And if that were not all, many independent Satanic thinkers exist, such as Tyagi Nagasiva, and Diane Vera, with slants on Satanism quite unlike that of all of the others. One such independent is the controversial and prolific Tani Jantsang, who claims to be a generational Satanist. Her perspective revolves around Satan as an elemental force, bloodlines, and natural living.
An excellent source of information on Satanism is the Alt.Satanism FAQ v2.3, currently maintained by Lupo LeBoucher. Despite mutual and public antipathy between him and some members of the Setian priesthood, his document is probably the definitive overview of Satanism online and offline.
Follows are various articles which are by, about, or can be linked to the interests of many Satanists.
General Documents
Alt.Satanism FAQ v2.3, by Lupo LeBoucher
The Dark Side of the Net (11/13/93), by Carrie Carolin
Quotes to Ponder, editor unknown
Founding Fathers, by Michael A. Aquino (Setian Ipsissimus)
Ritual Abuse Documents
Christian Child Abuse, by Graeme Wilson
Christian Sex Crimes 1992, collected by Michael Aquino
Occult Ritualistic Crime- a Law Enforcement Perspective, by Kenneth Lanning (FBI)
Investigator’s Guide to Allegations of Ritual Child Abuse, by the AMER
LaVey/CoS Related Documents
The Unknown Known, by Anton LaVey
Might Makes Right, by Ragnar Redbeard
The Inverse Pentagram, author unknown
Satanic Ethics, by the OTS
Satanic Credo, authorship unknown
The 21 Satanic Points, by Conrad Robury
A Verse of the Antichrist, by Nevus
In Nomine Satanas, by H. Baynes
Me and My God, by Paul Satele
Setian Related Documents
ToS Entry, by the Encyclopaedia of American Religions
General Information and Admissions Policies, by the ToS
Expulsion from the Temple of Set, by Gini Scott (introduced by Kevin Filan)
Info on The Crystal Tablet of Set, by the ToS
Fascism in the Temple of Set, authorship unknown
ToS FAQ, by Michael Aquino (Setian Ipsissimus)
The Law of One, by R. Whitaker (Setian Priest)
The Law of the Trapezoid, by R. Whitaker (Setian Priest)
Set in Egyptian Theology, by Oz Tech
Magic and Machines, by the ToS
The Devil Made Me Do It, by R. Whitaker (Setian Priest)
A New Tarot, by R. Whitaker (Setian Priest)
Horns Across the Water: Satanism in Britain and America, by Michael Aquino (Setian Ipsissimus)
The Art of Vampyrism, by Daimon Egan
Functional Resonance, by R. Whitaker (Setian Priest)
Harmonic Proportion In Ritual: Part One, by Raensept
The Power of a Word, by James Lewis
The Synchronicity To Resonate, by R. Whitaker (Setian Priest)
Setian Orders:
The Order of the Trapezoid, by the ToS
The Order Of Nietzsche, by the ToS
The Order of Shuti, by the ToS
The Order of Merlin, by the ToS
The Order of Setne Khamuast, by the ToS
The Order Of The Vampyre, by the ToS
Graeme Wilson, OLHP, ONA, OSV etc.
Christianity: The Death Cult, by Graeme Wilson
Letter to New Zealand Police, by Kerry Bolton
Letter to New Zealand Press Council, by Kerry Bolton
Info on the OLHP, by Graeme Wilson
OLHP Degrees, by the OLHP
OLHP Literature, by the OLHP
The ONA, by Anton Long
The Covenant of Samyaza, by the OLHP
Intro to the OSV, by the OSV
Christianity Exposed, by the OLHP
The Watcher (‘zine):
The Watcher #1, by the OLHP
The Watcher #2, by the OLHP
The Watcher #3, by the OLHP
The Watcher #4, by the OLHP
The Watcher #5, by the OLHP
The Watcher #6, by the OLHP
The Watcher #7, by the OLHP
The Watcher #8, by the OLHP
The Watcher #9, by the OLHP
The Watcher #10, by the OLHP
The Watcher #11, by the OLHP
Jantsang and Marsh Documents
Akathartic and Ophionic States, by Tani Jantsang
Nine Satanic Statements Revisited, by Tani Jantsang
Hard Facts On Matriarchy vs Patriarchy, by Phil Marsh
Literary Satanism, Independants, more.
The Litanies of Satan, by Charles Baudlaire
Liber LXXVII , by Aleister Crowley
Three Excerpts from Les Chants de Maldoror , by Lautreamont
Great Martyrdom Cult FAQ, by Tyagi Nagasiva
Exu, by Carol Dow (with commentary by Clifford Low)
Satanism and Me, by Diane Vera
A Critique of Neopagan Disclaimers About Satanism, by Diane Vera
Twilight Crossing, by Tim Maroney
The Hidden Gold Mine, by Patrick Tierney
The Birth of Hell, by Patrick Tierney
The Great God Pan, by Arthur Machen
Burning Inside, medieval song
Paradise Lost, by John Milton:
Paradise Lost, Book 1, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 2, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 3, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 4, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 5, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 6, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 7, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 8, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 9, by John Milton
Paradise Lost, Book 10, by John Milton
Black Mass Intonation, by J. K. Huysmans
Satanism Related
The Battle for Your Mind, by Dick Sutphen
Black Moon Ritual, by Sor.: Zauberkraut
Banishing Jehovah’s Witnesses, by John Constantine
Chapter 23 from “Wild Talents”, by Charles Fort

Qlippoth – THESE ARE THE EVIL CHIEFS

// March 8th, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

THESE ARE THE EVIL CHIEFS

1. Kether — Satan and Moloch
2. Binah — Beelzebub
3. Chokmah — Lucifuge
4. Chesed — Ashtaroth
5. Geburah — Asmodeus
6. Tiphareth — Belphagor
7. Netzach — Baal
8. Hod — Adramalech
9. Yesod — Lilith
10. Malkuth — Nahemah

According to the opinion of some; but these names can hardly be referred to any one Sephirah, seeing their power extendeth over many and numberless orders.
Behemoth and Leviathan are two evil forms, of which the first is the synthesis of the Qlippoth already described under the head of Behemiron in the Qlippoth of the Months of the Year.The Leviathan are, as it were, numberless Dragon forms united together so that each of his scales is like a separate Evil Serpent.

THE EVIL AND AVERSE SEPHIROTH These be the Evil a…

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These be the Evil and Averse Sephiroth, contained in the Seven Palaces, and these Sephiroth have their place from behind the holiness of the World of Assiah. And Samael the Evil, surroundeth the whole Evil Sephiroth who are thus eleven instead of ten.
There are eleven letters in the Hebrew word for “Lieutenant Governor:” Esther 9:3; 11 days from Horeb, Deut.1:3; 11 curtains; The Hebrew word AY4 were the curses of Ebal; 11 were the Dukes of Edom, and so forth.

In the Evil Palaces the first containeth Kether, Chokmah and Binah. Unto Kether is attributed Kerthiel which means “cut off from God,” Ps. 37:34. “When the wicked are cutoff. And the symbolic form is that of Black Evil Giants. Also to Kether belong the Thaumiel or Thamiel, the Bicephalous Ones; and their forms are those of Dual Giant Heads with bat­like wings. They have not bodies for they are those that seek continually to unite themselves unto the bodies of other beings and forces.

Unto Chokmah are referred to the Dukes of Edom; and the Zogiel (from Og of Bashan) or as it is sometimes written Ghogiel or Oghiel, and they attach themselves unto lying and material appearances, and their form is like that of Black-Evil Giants with loathsome serpents twined round them. Unto Binah are referred the Satorial or Harasiel, the Con­cealers and Destroyers whose forms and appearances are as gigantic black veiled Heads with Horns, and hideous eyes seen through the veil, and they are followed by evil centaurs. These are also called Seriel, from Esau, because of their hairiness.

The Second Palace contains Chesed, unto which are attrib­uted the Gagh Shekelah, the Disturbing Ones, and their sym­bolic forms are those of black cat-headed giants. They are also called Aziel, Charariel and Agniel.

The Third Palace contairieth Geburah, whereunto are attributed Golahab, or Burners with Fire, otherwise called Zaphiel, and their forms are those of enormous black heads like a volcano in eruption.

The Fourth Palace contairieth Tiphareth whereunto are attributed Zamiel, and they are great black giants, ever work­ing against each other.

The Fifth Palace containeth Netzach. whereunto are attrib­uted the Ghoreb Zereq, or Dispeasing ravens. Their form is that of hideous demon-headed Ravens issuing from a volcano, also called Getzphiel.

The Sixth Palace containeth Hod, whereunto are referred to the Samael or Deceivers (Jugglers), whose form is that of dull, demon headed dog like monsters.

The Seventh palace containeth Yesod and Malkuth. Unto Yesod are referred the Gamaliel, or Obscene bull-men, linked together. Thereunto are also referred Nachashiel, evil serpents, and Obriel. Thereunto belongeth the Blind Dragon-force.

Unto Malkuth is attributed Lilith, the Evil Woman and the appearance is that of a woman at first beautiful, but afterwards changing to a black monkey-like demon. The name of the ser­pent, Nachash, hath the same number as that of Messiah, who will root out the Qlippoth from the world.

Qlippoth – OF THE THREE EVIL FORCES BEFORE SAMAEL

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1. This is Qematiel, whose form is that of a vast black-headed Dragon-serpent and he uniteth under him the force of Kether of the Internal and Averse Sephiroth.

2. This is Belial, a black, bloated Man-dragon. He who denied God; and he that uniteth the force of the averse Chokmah.

3. This is Othiel or Gothiel, a black bloated man-insect horrible of aspect; his breadth greater than his length; and he uniteth the force of the averse Binah.

4. This is Samael the Black. All of these are of gigantic stature and terrible aspect.

Four Qlippothic Corners

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At the Southeast Angle are placed the Evil Adam, a goat-headed, skeleton-like giant, and the thousand- headed Hydra serpent; and the Elder Lilith, wife of Samael, a woman with an ever-changing and distort­ed countenance.

At the Northeast Angle is Aggereth, the daughter of Machaloth, a fiendish witch with serpent hair, enthroned in a chariot drawn by an ox and an ass.

At the Northwest Angle is a gigantic Scorpion with a fearful counte­nance, but standing upright as it were and formed of putrefying water. After him cometh the unnameable one, Abbadon, and his appearance and symbol are of a closely-veiled, black, gigantic figure covered with whirling wheels, and in his hand is a vast wheel whence come as it whirls, multitudes of cat-like demons, Behind him cometh Maamah, like a crouching woman with an animal’s body crawling along the ground and eating the earth.

And at the Southwest Angle are a winged lion and a winged horse drawing in like a chariot the youngest Lilith, the wife of Asmodai. She is dark, a woman to the waist, and a man below it, and she appears as though dragging down, with her hands, small figures of men into Hell.

The Twelve Princes of the Qlippoth

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THE TWELVE PRINCES OF THE QLIPPOTH WHO ARE THE HEADS UNDER THE MONTHS OF THE YEAR

These are the names of the Twelve Princes and Tribes of the Qlippoth who are the heads of the months of the year.

1. BAIRIRON — so called because they are derived from the Fourth Evil Force; viz, Samael the Black. Their colors are dull and black; and their form is that of a Dragon-Lion.

2. ADIMIRON — whose colors are like dam1 blood, mixed with water and dull yellow and gray. Their form is that of lion lizards.

3. TzELLADIMIRON — whose colours are like limped blood, tzelil,2 bronze and crimson. They are like savage triangular-headed dogs.

4. SCHECHIRIRON — whose colors are black, and their form blended of reptile, insect and shell-fish, such as the crab and the lobster, yet Demon-faced withal.

5. SHELHABIRON — whose colors are fiery and yellow and their form like merciless wolves and jackals.

6. TZEPHARIRON — whose colors are like those of earth, and their form is partially living yet decaying corpses.

7. OBIRIRON — whose colors are like clouds and their form like gray bloated Goblins.

8. NECHESHETHIRON — whose color is like copper, and their forms like that of a most devilish and human headed insects.

9. NACHASHIRON — whose colors are like serpents, and their form like dog-headed serpents.

10. DAGDAGIRON — whose colors are reddish and gleaming, and their form like vast and devouring flat-shaped fishes.

11. BEHEMIRON — whose arms are derived from Behemoth, and their colors are black and brown, and their forms like those of awful beasts, like hippopotamus and an elephant, but crushed flat, or as if their skin was spread out flat over the body of a gigantic beetle or cockroach.

12. NESHIMIRON — whose colors are of a stagnant gleaming watery blue, and their forms like hideous women, almost skele­tons, united to the bodies of Serpents and Fishes.

In the midst of the circle are placed Samael and Asmodai. The sym­bolic form of the former is somewhat like that of the Devil of the Tarot, but colossal and attenuated; that of Asmodai is that of a bloated and bes­tial man, but in a crouching position.

1This is the title of the blood from the last of the ten plagues of Egypt.
2This relates to a ringed formation of colors.

Tough Hurdles for Companies in Move Back to New Orleans

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March 8, 2006

Tough Hurdles for Companies in Move Back to New Orleans
By GARY RIVLIN

NEW ORLEANS, March 7 — When Frank A. Glaviano Sr. told friends that he believed his company, Shell Oil, would return to New Orleans despite the devastation done by Hurricane Katrina, many had a good laugh. Forget it, they said; you are moving to Houston.

After all, more than 100 Shell employees lost their homes when water covered much of the city and the surrounding suburbs. Mail delivery was still unreliable, air service remained thin, and only a small fraction of the previous hospital capacity was back. With Shell’s American base in Houston, it seemed to make sense to move its exploration and production unit there from New Orleans.

But Shell, a subsidiary of the Royal Dutch/Shell Group, returned last month to its marbled office building here at One Shell Square, after making an extraordinary investment to do so. It bought $32 million in residential properties in the area — 120 houses and condominiums in all — to lease to its employees. The company owned no residential property in the United States before Hurricane Katrina.

In considering whether to move back its 1,000 employees who worked in New Orleans before the storm, Shell had to monitor closely things like the federal government’s commitment to rebuilding the levees and the city’s progress in reviving its school system.
“In the end, we decided to do the right thing by the city, the company and our employees,” said Mr. Glaviano, the company vice president in charge of Shell’s operations here.

Shell’s unusual move demonstrates the difficulties that businesses of all sizes have encountered in moving back to New Orleans, and the dedication that is required to restart commerce in a city where basic necessities, like roofs, can be difficult to come by. To reopen their doors, many businesses have had to develop expertise in flood protection, transportation and medical care.
Chevron, one of Shell’s competitors, which this week moved back the last of its 700 or so employees who worked in New Orleans before the storm, has added a paramedic to its staff and leases an ambulance so it does not have to rely on the city’s 911 system in an emergency.
Most companies, of course, do not have the resources of a company like Shell, which reported record profits of $25.3 billion in 2005. “A lot of smaller companies, and even a lot of medium-sized ones, cannot afford the costs of getting up and back in business,” said Don Hutchinson, the director of economic development for the city.

As a result, six months after Hurricane Katrina, at least four of every five businesses in New Orleans are still shuttered, Mr. Hutchinson said. About 60 percent of the downtown businesses have reopened, he said, but that statistic is deceptively high because many companies are moving back only part of their workforce.

Another large energy company, Dominion Exploration and Production, a subsidiary of Dominion Resources, has announced that it will start moving employees back to New Orleans this month. But 140 of those positions — 40 percent of its pre-hurricane workforce — will remain permanently in Houston, according to David J. Auchter, a Dominion spokesman.

Entergy, the country’s fifth-largest power company, has so far issued no public statement about the fate of its 1,500 employees who worked in New Orleans before the hurricane, except to say that whatever the company’s decision, not all of them will be moving back.

“The question isn’t whether New Orleans is going to take a huge hit in terms of job loss,” said Jay Lapeyre, a local businessman who, as chairman of the Business Council of New Orleans, speaks on behalf of more than 50 of the area’s largest corporations. “The real question is where we’ll have to rebuild from once we know where we’ve bottomed out.”

Many factors went into Shell’s decision to move back to New Orleans, including a workforce that was eager to return. Informal polling, said Rob Ryan, a Shell vice president, showed that more than 80 percent of employees preferred moving back to New Orleans over staying in Houston, including those who had temporarily relocated to Houston. A sense of corporate responsibility was also a factor.

New Orleans is a city where oil and gas exploration takes a back seat only to tourism and perhaps the port in terms of economic impact, and before Hurricane Katrina, Shell was the industry’s largest employer in the city. Its tower — a white marble monolith on a premier corner of the downtown business district — is the second tallest in town. The Place St. Charles office building is the tallest.

From Shell’s perspective, the city had a variety of factors working in its favor, including its culture and especially its geography. The easy access to the rich oil reserves in the waters off the Louisiana coast first drew exploration firms to New Orleans decades ago, and the wells could not easily be abandoned — at least not by firms with the means and the will to stay.

“A lot of the smaller oil and gas companies haven’t committed to return,” said Mr. Hutchinson, the city economic official. “Basically, it’s still wait and see with most of them.”

That was Shell’s attitude for weeks after the storm. Houston is the energy capital of the nation, and there were efficiencies in moving the company’s operations to the home office. To many executives, there was no question that Houston represented the path of least resistance.
“This was one of those decisions,” Mr. Glaviano said, “that had several executives feeling very strongly that we should relocate to Houston and several feeling very strongly in favor of moving back.”

Shell was luckier than many of its rivals. The building Dominion called home before the storm, across the street from the Superdome, still sits abandoned, with roughly half of its windows covered by plywood. The basement and first floor of Chevron’s office tower were flooded, which meant it was not ready for occupancy until the end of January.

The building Shell calls home, in contrast, sits atop a pedestal of white marble stairs. “The building was fine,” Mr. Ryan said. “The key issue for us was whether we could bring 1,000 employees back.”

To answer that question, Shell set up a virtual war room to monitor the city’s progress and help its executives calculate the wisdom of returning. The company assigned about two dozen employees to judge the city’s progress on a long list of factors, like repairing the pumping stations and providing parking in the central business district.

Other big companies did the same, including Chevron, which approached the task with military precision. It issued daily situation reports, devising a color-code system “just like the federal government does to track the terrorist threat level,” said Matthew Carmichael, governmental affairs director for Chevron in New Orleans. Early on, the company deemed almost every core function code red.

It was in late October that Mr. Glaviano and his colleagues decided to move back to New Orleans, yet it was not until January that a thorough audit of the state of the city prompted the company to conclude that “the city was sufficiently back, from a safety and security perspective,” Mr. Ryan said.

Nonetheless, Shell employees are returning to find that working downtown remains a challenge. Flight capacity is less than half of what it was before the storm — a crucial issue for a company with headquarters in another city. Mail service is still so unreliable th
at customers often pay the extra expense of overnight services to pay bills and send other important documents. The 120 or so Shell employees who lost homes no doubt appreciate that the company leases them housing at cost, but some of the units are a two-hour drive from downtown.

Still, despite these and other inconveniences, most of the employees seem happy to be back home, Mr. Glaviano said. Certainly he is. “Walking through the lobby,” he said, “it feels like an ordinary day to me.”

Copyright 2006The New York Times Company

Colin Low on Daath and the Abyss

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IN MODERN KABBALA there is a well developed notion of an Abyss between the three supernal sephiroth of Kether, Chokhmah, and Binah, and the seven lower sephiroth. When one looks at the progress of the Lightning Flash down the Tree of Life, then one finds that it follows the path structure connecting sephiroth except when it makes the jump from Binah to Chesed, thus reinforcing this idea of a “gap” or “gulf” which has to be crossed. This notion of an Abyss is extremely old and has found its way into Kabbalah in several different forms, and in the course of time they have all been mixed together into the notion of “the Great Abyss”; the Great Abyss is one of those things so necessary that like God, if it didn’t already exist, it would have to be invented.

One of the earliest sources for the Abyss comes from the Bible:

“And the earth was without form, and void; and
darkness was upon the face of the deep.”

Kabbalists adopted this view that there was a time before the creation characterised by Tohu and Bohu, namely Chaos and Emptiness [1]. Another idea mentioned several times in the Zohar [2] is that there were several failed attempts at creation before the present one; these attempts failed because mercy and judgement (e.g. force and form) were not balanced, and the resulting detritus of these failed attempts, the broken shells of previous sephiroth, accumulated in the Abyss. Because the shells (Qlippoth) were the result of unbalanced rigour or judgement they were considered evil, and the Abyss became a repository of evil spirits not dissimilar from the pit of Hell into which the rebellious angels were cast, or the rebellious Titans in Greek mythology who were buried as far beneath the Earth as the Earth is beneath the sky.

Another theme which contributed to the notion of the Abyss was the legend of the Fall. According to the Kabbalistic interpretation of the Biblical myth, at the conclusion of the act of Creation there was a pure state, denoted by Eden, where the primordial Adam-and-Eve-conjoined existed in a state of divine perfection. There are various esoteric interpretations of what the Fall represents, but all agree that after the Fall Eden became inaccessible and Adam and Eve were separated and took on bodies of flesh here in the material world. This theme of separation from God and exile in a world of matter (and by extension, limitation, finiteness, pain, suffering, death – manifestations of the rigours or evil inherent in God) precedes Kabbalah and can be found in the Gnostic legend of Sophia exiled in matter. This idea of separation or exile from divinity mirrors very closely the use of the Abyss on the modern Tree to divide the sephiroth representing a human being from the sephiroth representing God.
Isaac Luria (1534 -1572) introduced a new element into the notion of the Abyss with his idea of “tzimtzum” or contraction. Luria wondered how it was possible for the hidden God (En Soph) to create something out of nothing if there wasn’t any nothing to begin with. If the En Soph (no-end, the infinite) is everywhere then how can we be distinct from the En-Soph? Luria argued that creation was possible because a contraction in the En Soph had created an emptiness where God was not, that En Soph had chosen to limit itself by a withdrawal, and this showed that the principle of self-limitation was a necessary precursor to creation; not only did this explain why the Creation is separate from the hidden God, but it emphasised that limitation was inherent in creation from the very beginning.

Limitation, finiteness, the separation of one thing from another, what early Kabbalists referred to as the severity or “strict judgement” of God (what modern Kabbalists call “form”) was a puzzling quality to introduce into the Creation given that it is the source of suffering and evil in the impersonal sense, what Dion Fortune calls “negative evil” [3]. Luria’s notion of tsimtsum suggested that there was no possibility of creation without it, and provided a rather abstract explanation to one of the most persistent questions of all time, namely: “if God made the world and God is good, how come he made mosquitoes?”.

Pull together the various ideas of the Great Abyss and one ends up with a sort of vast, initially empty arena like a Roman amphitheatre where the drama of the Creation was enacted. The mysterious En Soph played a brief role as director from the imperial box, only to retire behind a veil at the conclusion of the performance leaving behind a huge power cord snaking in from the unknown region beyond the arena, and plugged-in to a socket at the rear of the sephira Kether. The lights of the sephiroth blaze out and illuminate the centre of this vast arena; this is Olam Ha-Nekudoth, “The World of Point Lights”. At the periphery of the arena far from the lights of manifestation there is a deep darkness where all the cast-off detritus and spoil of the creation was deposited by weary angels and left to rot. A strange life lives there. The situation was more-or-less as described above when in 1909 Aleister Crowley decided to “cross the Abyss” and added to the mythology of the Abyss with the following description [4]:

“The name of the Dweller in the Abyss is Choronzon,
but he is not really an individual. The Abyss is empty of being; it is filled
with all possible forms, each equally inane, each therefore evil in the only
true sense of the word – that is, meaningless but malignant, in so far as it
craves to become real. These forms swirl senselessly into haphazard heaps like
dust devils, and each chance aggregation asserts itself to be an individual and
shrieks ‘I am I!’ though aware all the time that its elements have no true bond;
so that the slightest disturbance dissipates the delusion just as a horseman,
meeting a dust devil, brings it in showers of sand to the earth.”

I was struck when reading this by the similarity between Crowley’s description above and the section on Hod and Netzach in which I described the chaos of a personality under the control of the “hosts” or “armies” of those two sephira, where a host of forms of behaviour compete for the right to be “me”. Crowley’s experience has far more in common with the rending of the Veil of Paroketh separating Yesod and Tiphereth, and further comments by Crowley add weight to this:

“As soon as I had destroyed my personality, as soon as
I had expelled my ego, the universe to which it was indeed a frightful and fatal
force, fraught with every form of fear, was only so in relation to the idea `I’;
so long as `I am I’ all else must seem hostile. Now that there was no longer any
`I’ to suffer, all these ideas which had inflicted suffering became innocent. I
could praise the perfection of every part; I could wonder and worship the
whole.”

>This is a very recognisable description of someone who has been released from the demon of the false self and the imprisoning triad of Hod, Netzach and Yesod, and moved through the Paroketh towards Tiphereth. Crowley’s experience is valid as it stands, but what it might mean to “cross the Abyss”, and the absurdity of Crowley’s belief that he had achieved this, will be examined in the following section on Binah and Chokhmah.

A twentieth-century Kabbalist who did succeed in adding something useful to the ever-expanding notion of the Abyss was Dion Fortune, in her theosophical work “The Cosmic Doctrine” [3]. The form of this work appears to have been inspired by Blavatsky’s “The Secret Doctrine”, and certainly lives up to Fortune’s claim that it was “designed to train the mind, not to inform it.”

Fortune describes three processes arising out of the Unmanifest (i.e. En Soph). Ring Cosmos is an anabolic process underlying the creation of forms of greater and greater complexity. Ring Chaos is a catabolic process underlying the destruction and recycling of form. Ring-Pass-Not is a limit where catabolism turns back into anabolism. She visualised this as three great rings of movement in the Unmanifest, with the motion associated with Ring Cosmos spiralling towards the centre, the movement of Ring Chaos unwinding towards the periphery, and the dead-zone of Ring-Pass-Not defining the outer limit of Ring Chaos as an abyss of unbeing, a cosmic compost heap where form is digested under the dominion of the Angel of Death and turned into something fertile where new growth can take place. The similarity between Fortune’s description of Ring Chaos and what in programming is called a “reference-counting garbage collector” is remarkable, given that she was writing in the 30′s. Many programming languages allow new programming structures to be created dynamically, thus allowing the creation of more and more complex structures. At the same time there is a mechanism to reclaim unused resources so that the system does not run out of memory or disc space, and the normal scheme is that if a structure is not referenced by any other structure, recycle it. In Fortune’s language, if you want to destroy something, you “make a vacuum round it (i.e. remove all references). You prevent opposition from touching it. Then, being unopposed, it is free to follow the laws of its own nature, which is to join the motion of Ring Chaos.”

“Cosmic Doctrine” is a valiant attempt to say something quite profound; at an intellectual level it fails “abysmally”, and I cannot read it without squirming, but it still has more raw Kabbalistic and magical insight at an intuitive level than just about anything else I have read. The idea of a cosmic reference-counting garbage collection process and an abyss of unbeing which is not so much a state as a process of unbecoming is something not easily forgotten once touched.

A final example of an abyss is one which differs from the previous examples in that it brings to the fore the relationship between us, the created, and the Unmanifest, the En Soph itself. Kabbalistic writers agree that the Unmanifest is not nothing; on the contrary, it is the hidden wellspring of being, but as it is “not manifest being” it combines the words “not” and “being” in a conjuction which can be apprehended as a kind of abyss. Scholem [6] discusses this “nothingness” as follows:

“The primary start or wrench in which the
introspective God is externalised and the light that shines inwardly made
visible, this revolution of perspective, transforms En Soph, the inexpressible
fullness, into nothingness. It is in this mystical “nothingness” from which all
the other stages of God’s gradual enfolding in the Sefiroth emanate, and which
the kabbalists call the highest Sefira, or the “supreme crown” of Divinity. To
use another metaphor, it is the abyss which becomes visible in the gaps of
existence. Some Kabbalists who have developed this idea, for instance Rabbi
Joseph ben Shalom of Barcelona (1300), maintain that in every transformation of
reality, in every change of form, or every time the status of a thing is
altered, the abyss of nothingness is crossed and for a fleeting mystical moment
becomes visible.”

It should be clear by now that the Abyss is a metaphor for a number of intuitions or experiences. I do not know how many different kinds of abyss there are, but there are some distinctions which can be made:

• the Abyss of nothingness
• the Abyss of separation
• the Abyss of knowledge
• the Abyss of un-being (or un-becoming)

The perception that being and nothingness go hand-in-hand is something Sartre studied in great depth [7], and many of his observations on the nature of consciousness and its relatationship to negation or nothingness are among the most perceptive I have found. His arguments are lengthy and complex, and I do not wish to summarise them here other than to say that he viewed nothingness as the necessary consequence of a special kind of being he calls “being-for-itself”, the kind of being we experience as self-conscious human beings.

The Abyss of separation can be experienced as a separation from the divine, but it can also be experienced quite acutely in one’s relationships with others and with the physical world itself. Much of what we perceive about the world and other people is an illusion created by the machinery of perception; strip away the trick, Yesod becomes Daath, and a yawning abyss opens up where one is conscious less of what one knows than of what one does not; it is possible to look at a close friend and see something more alien, remote and unknown than the surface of Pluto. This experience is closely related to the Abyss of knowledge, which is discussed in more detail in the discussion on Daath below. The Abyss of un-being is the direct perception that at any instant it is possible to not-be. This perception goes beyond the contemplation or awareness of physical death; it is the direct apprehension of what Dion Fortune calls “Ring Chaos”, that un-being is less a state than a process, that at every instant there is an impulse, a magnetic attraction towards total self-annihilation on every level possible. The closer one moves towards the roots of being, the closer one moves towards the roots of un-being.

Daath means “Knowledge”. In early Kabbalah Daath was a symbol of the union of Wisdom (Chokhmah) and Understanding (Binah). The book of Proverbs is rich mine of material on the nature of these three qualities, material which forms the basis of many ideas in the Zohar and other Kabbalistic texts; e.g. Proverbs 3.13:

“Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth
understanding….She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy
is every one that retaineth her. The Lord by wisdom hath founded the earth; by
understanding hath he founded the heavens. By his knowledge the depths are
broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew” And Proverbs 24.3:

“Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding is it established:
And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all pleasant and precious
riches.”

In the “Bahir” [8] and “Zohar” [e.g. 2] Daath represents the symbolic union of wisdom and understanding, and is their offspring or child. As the Microprosopus, often symbolised by Tiphereth, is
also the symbolic child of Chokhmah and Binah, there is some room for confusion. According to the Zohar however, Daath has a specific location in the Microprosopus, namely in one of the three chambers of the brain, from where it mediates between the higher (Chokhmah and Binah) and the lower (the six sephiroth or “chambers” of the Microprosopus – see the reference to Proverbs 24.3 above).

I have often puzzled as to why knowledge is the natural outcome of wisdom and understanding. It was only recently when I read Proverbs that I realised that wisdom was being used in the sense of something external, something which is received from someone else. As children we were told “do this” or “don’t do that”, and often couldn’t question the wisdom of the advice because we lacked the understanding. I once had a furious row with my father about building a liquid fuel rocket engine in the house using petrol and hydrogen peroxide. He flatly refused to let me do it. I couldn’t understand the problem – I was going to be careful. I now know, because I understand the stupidity of what I was trying to do, the wisdom of his refusal. Received wisdom cannot be integrated into oneself unless there is the capacity to understand it, and having understood, it becomes real knowledge which can be passed on again as wisdom to someone else. For early Kabbalists the ultimate wisdom was the wisdom of God as expressed in the Torah, and by attempting to understand this wisdom (and that is what Kabbalah was) they could arrive at the only knowledge truely worth having. Knowledge of God was the union between the higher and lower, and perhaps this is why Daath was never a sephiroth, something which manifests positively; since the Fall that knowledge has been lost.
One of the unattributable pieces of Kabbalah I was taught was that Daath is the hole left behind when Malkuth fell out of the Garden of Eden. If you examine my derivation of the Tree of Life in Chapter 1. closely you will see that I have based some of it on this very astute observation.
The notion of Daath as a “hole” appears to have originated this century. Gareth Knight, for example [9], provides a complete set of correspondences for Daath, many of which happen to be negative Tiphereth correspondences or misplaced correspondences borrowed from other sephiroth, but one at least is appropriate: he gives the magical image of Daath as Janus, god of doorways. Kenneth Grant [10], with his usual florid imagination, sees Daath as a gateway through to “outer spaces beyond, or behind, the Tree itself” dominated by Qlippothic forces.

There is a deep correspondence between sephiroth in the lower face of the Tree and sephiroth in the upper face: look at the symmetry of the Tree and you should see why Malkuth, Tiphereth and Kether are linked, why Hod and Binah are linked, why Chokhmah and Netzach are linked, and most importantly for the purposes of this discussion, that there is a correspondence between Yesod and Daath. These are not just simple geometric symmetries; they express some important relationships which are experientially verifiable, and in terms of what makes most sense in Kabbalah and what does not, these relationships are important.

Daath and Yesod, at different levels, are like two sides of the same coin. Jam the machinery of perception I said above, and Yesod can become Daath. The following quotation is taken from a bona-fide anthropological article [11] attempting to explain some of the characteristic features of cave art:

“Moving into a yet deeper stage of trance is often accompanied, according to
laboratory reports, by an experience of a vortex or rotating tunnel that seems
to surround the subject. The external world is progressively excluded and the
inner world grows more florid. Iconic images may appear on the walls of the
vortex, often imposed on a lattice of squares, like television screens.
Frequently there is a mixture of iconic and geometric forms. Experienced shamans
are able to plunge rapidly into deep trance, where they manipulate the imagery
according to the needs of the situation. Their experience of it, however, is of
a world they have come briefly to inhabit; not a world of their own making, but
a spirit world they are privileged to visit.”

This will come as no surprise to anyone who has read Michael Harner’s “The Way of the Shaman” [5]. There on page 103 (plate is a beautiful picture of the tunnel vortex, complete with prisms. When I first saw this picture I was astonished and recognised it instantly, prisms and all; when I showed it to my wife her reaction was the same. The tunnel vortex appears to be one of the constants of magical/mystical experience, and it appears in a very precise context. In Kabbalah the shamanic tunnel would be attributed to the 32nd. path connecting Malkuth to Yesod; this path connects the real world to the underworld of the imagination and the unconscious, and is commonly symbolised by a tunnel [eg.9]. However, using the symmetry of the Tree, this path also corresponds to the path at another level connecting Tiphereth across the Abyss, through Daath, to Kether. The tunnel/vortex at this level is no longer subjective, because this level of the Tree corresponds to the noumenal reality underpinning the phenomenal world, and links individual self-consciousness to something greater. Just as Yesod represents the machinery of sense perception, so Daath can flip over to become the Yesod of another level of perception, not sense perception, but something completely different that seems to operate out of the “back door” of the mind; this is objective knowledge, what used to be called gnosis.

To conclude this section on Daath and the Abyss, it is worth asking what the relationship between the two ideas is. As I programmer I am continually aware of the gulf between abstract ideas, such as the number two and its physical representations in the world: 2, II, .., two etc. The number two can be represented in an infinite number of ways, and it is only when you share some understanding of my language that you can begin to guess that a particular mark in the world represents the number two. The situation is even worse than it might seem; a basic theorem of information theory states that the optimum way of expressing any piece of information is one where the symbols occur completely randomly. I could take this paragraph, pass it through an optimal text compressor and the same piece of text would be indistinguishable from random garbage. Only I, knowing the compression procedure, could extract the original message from the result. Whatever we call information appears to exist independently of the physical world, and uses the world of chalk marks, ink marks, magnetic domains or whatever like a rider uses a horse. To me, the gulf is irreconcilable; between the physical world and the world of the mind is an abyss, and I am not indulging in “new physics” or anything vaguely suspect – this is meat and drink to the average progammer, who spends most of his or her time transforming abstractions from one symbol set to another.

To take a slightly different approach, there is a mathematical proof that there is no largest prime number. I know that proof. No dissection of my brain will ever reveal the proof to someone who does not know it. I am prepared to bet a large quantity of alcohol that it is theoretically impossible to discover; the proof that there is no largest prime number will never be extracted even if you assume a neurologist capable of mapping every atom in my brain. Evolution tends towards optimality, and I think the proof will be encoded optimally to look like random garbage. There is an abyss here; there is knowledge which can never be attained. In Kabbalah this particular abyss is called the abyss of Assiah; it is the first in a s
eries of abysses. The next abyss is the abyss of Yetzirah, and it is this abyss I have been discussing for most of this section. There are further abysses, and this should be clearer when I discuss the Four Worlds and the Extended Tree. The Abyss and Daath go together because the Abyss sets a limit on what can be known from below the Abyss; the abyss is an abyss of knowledge, and Daath is the hole we fall into when we try probe beyond. Can the nature of God be expressed in terms of anything human? No. God is as human as a cockroach, as human as a lump of stone, as human as a star, as human as empty space. So how can you know anything about God? Only when Daath flips over to become the Yesod of another world can you know anything, but unfortunately the fiery speech of angels is like leprecaun’s gold: by the time you’ve taken it home to show to your friends, you’ve nothing but a purse of dried leaves.

The Manifestation of Kali in Universe as an Astrop…

// March 7th, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

The Manifestation of Kali in Universe as an Astrophysical Anomaly
By: Persona Navitae 353

There is no light, nor any motion.There is no mass, nor any sound.Still, in the lampless heart of the ocean,Fasten me down and hold me drownedWithin thy womb, within thy thought,Where there is naught-where there is naught!
From “Kali”, by Aleister Crowley

In the beginning was the KAOS water, the pure creative force of undivided being. Crowley called this “Nuit”, which ssems to be the combination of the sky goddess “Nut” with the chaos God “Nu”, or “Nun”. This was the potential for manifestation before the dream of Siva, before the suffering of Sophia that coalesced into the mist of dark reality. This primal force exits in a perpetual state of non-being, always edging toward being. A binary movement sets up from this tension of pre-creation, from a state of collapsed oneness, to a state of open potential. This is the struggle between Siva; the force of perfect order, and Sakti; the force of pure chaos. In Siva is the need to collapse to stable systems, the continual drive for one-ness that uni-fests as the point monad of Kether on the Tree of Life. In Sakti is the need for continual creation, the pure fertile need to populate Universe with the divine sparks of manifested intelligence. From these two forces arises the numinous Androgyne. This force exists at the beginning of physical creation, from its parthenogenesis fullness it emanates across the Pleroma of the void, and down the Tree to Malkuth.

This mythos is at the core of the unconscious and of many creation theories. From the bliss of Androgyny comes the suffering of Maya, illusion. This is the illusion of multi- verse. Sophia, the divine mother of the Gnostics, was conceived of as Androgynous but she broke away from her partner and conceived the physical universe as a polarized order. The result was the creation of ignorance, the demiurge Yahweh.

From the primal Nuit is created Babalon, and from her is Isis, but what of Nepthys? She is hidden; present but unseen. Felt but rarely named. In Indian theosophy divine Sakti exists as the primal energy behind the static monad, Siva. She is Nuit in Thelema, and her creation on the mundane level is Kali. In many systems they are considered one, which is rightly so. The job of Kali is to devour the ignorance of static non-creation and re-create Universe with new potential for manifestation. Left to its own, Siva would freeze up Universe in a cage of entropy. This is known to physicists as the “Heat death of Universe”. Heat is not a substance, not energy. It is a process, “The transference of energy by virtue of a difference in temperature”. When all forms of energy, Sakti/Kali, have been equilibrated then no more growth is possible. Any divine sparks left in such a state would no longer develop, all life would stop.

The Heat Death is only one scenario. It would seem possible that Universe could go on perpetually if there were some way to re-create it. All matter/energy would have to be sucked back in and thrust out in another “Big bang”. This “devouring” is well known to devotees of Kali. In early myths she is known to devour the demons that would upset the balance of space-time. Kali is the Goddess of time, Kala. In time all things die and are re-born. In time all ignorance is replaced by divine Gnosis, if we accomplish nothing else in life we cannot help but learn.

Experience is the great teacher. At the end of time there is no manifested existence, just the Satchidananda of bliss-being-consciousness. Kali offers the bliss of Gnosis with one hand which holds the Sangrail, freedom from fear with another raised, with a third she holds the sword that destroys Universe, and with a forth she holds a head to remind us that all situations will change, death is the constant force of new life. She is naked because she has no veils of illusion, and to remind us that the secret of re-creation is in sexual bliss. She is black because she is beyond human comprehension, this also ties in with the Freudian devouring mother, who is in the realm of shadow, we all will be swallowed by Kali in the little death and the greater ones. She dances on the corpse of Siva, who has over extended himself in the attempt for divine Order. However, her dance has aroused him even in death and she stands over his erect penis to accept the seed of new creation.

In the early 1930′s Edwin Hubble concluded that Universe is expanding, and even in the 1920′s evidence existed of such expansion. It has been postulated that if there is not enough mass in Universe then it will eventually suffer the heat death of Siva. If there is enough however, then it is possible that the expansion will slow down due to the drag of continual gravitational forces that all matter possesses, and eventually return to a single point where the explosive forces of the dynamic interplay of matter/energy will cause a new expansion.

One method to determine if Universe has enough matter to halt the expansion is to add up all the luminous matter. Matter exits in particular, stable energy states. If extra energy is added to a system, then the matter present would tend to jump to a higher energy state. Every element has very particular states it prefers and will not reside in any others. This is the rule of the Siva-Order force in Universe. All chaotic energy states will either jump to a higher state, or stay there as long as the extra energy does, or it will ignore the extra force. When there isn’t enough energy to maintain the element in this state, it drops to a specific lower state and sheds the excess energy. When this happens we see it as a burst of light which will be specific to each particular element. By examining the luminous evidence, astrophysicists can determine how much matter is shedding light. According to older theories all matter radiates light, and this could be used to determine how much matter was in Universe. Through these studies, it was found that there is only about 2% of the necessary amount for re- creation.

In 1933, Fritz Zwicky discovered that galaxies were moving much faster than they should according to the accepted theories. Speculating from the amount of matter found through the luminosity present, he found that galaxies should be breaking up. The obvious conclusion is that there is more matter present than can be seen. This substance became known as Dark Matter. Since then numerous experiments have been devised to test this theory. Vera Rubin showed that galaxies rotate as fast at the outer rim, or faster, as they do in the inner. If they are less dense at the outer edges, as the luminosity indicates, then they should move slower. Jeremiah Ostriker and James Peebles showed that without extra matter, galaxies would develop gravitational anomalies that would cause them to collapse into other forms than the spiral we usually see. It seems likely that there is Dark Matter in Universe, and estimates now indicate that it could make up as much as 95% of all physical creation.

What is this Dark Matter? Nobody knows, but there are many theories. Sub-atomic particles, so small they don’t radiate visible energy, Neutrinos, Magnetic Monopoles (one sided magnets), and Gravitinos (bundles of gravity, in the same sense that Photons are bundles of light) are prime candidates. So far neither Magnetic Monopoles, nor Gravitinos have been found.
Arcane knowledge provides some answers assuming we ask the questions. If Isis is “Infinite Stars, Infinite Space”, then what is Nepthys? Being the opposite side of Isis we have to assume she plays a part in Universe. And, if Kali’s re-creation of Universe is possible, then can we see it in the process? The answer to both of these lies in the Dark Matter. In “Mumbo Jumbo” Ishmael Reed referred to “Dark Isis”. I found this very intriguing at the time, and later found the connection in Isis’s dark twin, Nepthys. She is dark (like Kali) because
she is hidden, manifested but unseen. In his book, Reed speculated that she became dominant when Isis was shedding lunar blood (sacred to Kali), this is when the unfertile seeds are being discarded. For the aspirant this is a time of great power, and danger. Nepthys is the goddess of the night magicks, the red magick of Vamamarg somtimes refered to as the “left hand path”. Hers is the force of re-creation which is so vital to the growth of the aspirant. IAO, Isis-creator, Apophis (Set, husband of Nepthys)-destroyer, and Osiris-re-creator. In Tantra, Kali is all three. She gives birth to Universe, devours it when all life has expended its energy, and re-creates it from the seeds of the old Universe.

It’s uncertain whether there is enough Dark Matter to cause the collapse of Universe, but clearly if there is a chance, it is in this manifestation of the Dark Goddess. Her body is the body of matter that lies “between” known spaces and stars, her power is felt in the pull of matter itself; “Love is the law, love under will” is the axion of gravity where all particles seek to unite with all others. Her books are written in the night sky, her rites are the rites of ancient humans awed by the power of the Great Sleep, and equally awed by its power of re-creation. If Kali/Nepthys manifests at the end of time, it will be as the mouths of numerous black holes, each larger one devouring the smaller, uniting in one undifferentiated monad of space-time, not only matter sucked in but the net of creation on which it resides as well. In that Dark Matter is the new creation.

Slow Day at Work…Hundreds of New BLOG posts!!!

// March 2nd, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

So, it’s a slow day at work and I’ve been steaming entries out of a word DOC into Blogger for my Darkchilde’s – Words to the Abyss Blog I have. The entries started around 1983 and lasted about a decade. I have another journal which chronicles 1981 – 1988 more thoroughly, which I intend to get entered as soon as I’m able, but YEOWSA!!! It really hit me reading these entries. I have been one FUCKED UP girl for MANY, MANY years.

I did laugh at my LSD experiences when Eric and I would stomp around Akron tripping and exploring and getting into all sorts of unexpected mischief. Like ALWAYS getting “stuck” on the corner of College and High Street where the police station is. We would invariably get frozen on that corner while peaking and we would be chattering about how we SHOULD get off this corner because there are way TOO MANY COPS! But we couldn’t’ move and the hustle and bustle of lawyers and cops and judges were buggering all around us and then… TA DA!!! And angel would appear from the south. A friend would be coming OUT of the police station or church or maybe even jail, you would never know, but they would find us and try to start a conversation and would realize that we were seriously impaired and would usher us out of the area like trailing puppy dogs…

I got to relive the single most exceptional sexual experience of my life, which occurred rather spontaneously against the outside of a glass wall of a downtown hotels restaurant during lunch hour. (thank you very much for THAT memorable experience Mr. Eric Shreve, I truly appreciate it.)

I also got to see a pattern when my drug use REALLY escalated and how that seemed to really tie into my first pregnancy/abortion. I think that fucked me up more that I’ve ever really considered.

The time before that particular journal I was still really young and was still living in the shadow of my parents perception of life, the universe and everything….the time immediately following this was when I was pretending I was some glamour-puss, rock-star, diva-grrrl and I felt very entitled to my excesses. This was a very important time in my life and I struggled immensely with what I was doing and what I was feeling.

The whole process of re-living the words and the experiences they tied to has left me a little shaky. It’s almost 4 o’clock and I can tell my head is a bit “spoofey”. I’m left with a strange yearning to look Mr. Shreve up…

Anyway. The entries are over at http://darkchildabyss.blogspot.com/ if you want to check them out. Remember, they are in the WAY BACK archives of 1990 – 1993. Be sure you are okay with the subject matter. Some of them are a little visceral.

There is no gray majick.

// March 2nd, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Flowing, the life of the world within my veins. The spirits ancient living within my soul. I am light. I am dark. I an all but I am nothing. I dream and see lives as they are. I feel the pain of the poor choices others make. Always to see, never to speak. You are never to interfere with the course of Destiny. Only to watch. I have been given the acute yet frustrating power of observation.

Decisions. Who to be? Where to go? I want so much. Who can keep up with me? I want it all, and if it can’t be that way then I don’t want any of it. Cutting off the nose to spite the face? Perhaps? But if thy nose offends the, cast it away. All or nothing.

There is no gray majick.

Can you dream the pain that you have felt?

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Can you dream the pain that you have felt? Will you ever come out of

your sanctuary and into the dawn so we can play in your mothers warm

illumination? Moonchild hides behind a violet shadow of an invisible

world. Where do you go when the dawn breaks Moonchild. Silly one, I

love you. You are the perfect innocence within me. Stay warm. Take

care of your soul. Cherish and protect it. There is only one like it

in all of the realms. Dream a new existence. Believe in a new way.

Your way. Your light. Your dream.

There…

// March 2nd, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

Moonlight, sweating bodies fouled after the dance. Fatigued, but alive with sexual energy. It must be satiated. You walk her to your house, arm in arm the cool air tempting and taming the heated flesh. Little is said this night, looks are given, insight communicated in the only true way. In silence. You reach for her hand and extend your tiniest finger. She grasps it with both hands, eyes skittish in this moonlight. You reach the house and turn the key in the lock.

Click. You unlock the room and she goes inside. This ritual has been performed before this. You enter the bath and shower the sweat of the dance off of your body. You skin cleansed to receive more of the same. You step out of the shower and into the dimly lit room. It has been prepared. Filled with candlelight and incense. The thick haze drugs you into the ebbing pulse decreed by the entrancing music.

She is sprawling on the bed. T-shirt and panties. Insinuating blond hair flowing like a silken blood over the bed. She stretches her body and arches her mouth in a slight yawn. You crouch beside her. Your fingertips brush her nipples. Erect. Arch again. Your fingers draw down. Hip bones. You press you hand down into them. You want to feel the pulse resonating into them. She reaches out the unwraps your towel.

She touches you…there. You hardness repeats the pulse. She grasps you firmly. Your head lolls back. A moan escapes your lips. She kisses your stretched neck. She trails her tongue to your collarbone and bites you. Her free hand goes to your nipple. She twists and flicks pleasure into it. She removes her panties and rolls on top of you.

"Not Quite All of Me" by China Darrington

// March 2nd, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

“Not Quite All of Me”

by Krys Dauchy

Part I

“My Brief Career as a Mother”

My brief career as a mother began somethyme at the end of January 1992. Having been sick recently, I didn’t worry much when my period was a few days late, but after two weeks I began to suspect that there was more to my lingering illness than I gave credit to. I bought a home pregnancy test and the results came out positive.

This pregnancy came to Joe (my boyfriend of almost 4 years) and I as a surprise. We both want to have children, but at this point in our lives we hadn’t planned on a baby and our lives were not prepared to have one. Yet here my body was telling my that I was ready and I had better ready my life quickly.

The pregnancy was confirmed at Akron Pregnancy Services on February 22. I was six weeks pregnant. When I finally knew for certain, I became excited at the prospect of becoming a mother. I told Joe and he hugged me. Silently we embraced each other, drawing courage from our faith in ourselves and each other. We knew that together we would make a decision that would be best. Whatever that may be. That night I told the tiny being inside of me that I loved it. I did.

I thought about my life and the requirements of being a mother. I though about my education, which is very important to me. I tried to mentally skim all the alternatives and possibilities available to me. Changes, options, dreams, hopes, aspirations, opportunities, responsibilities, and problems.

I talked with consolers. Pre-natal counselors, abortion counselors, nutritionists, family planning centers. They gave my information outlined what they saw as my options. I wanted to be a mother, but I had not planned on it being quite so soon. I needed time to evaluate my life as it presently is and the life that I desired to live in the future. Could I adjust my life in the next seven months to become the mother that I wanted to be?

Joe and I mulled over the facts both for and against all the options. We both feel that life begins at conception, but we also see the need for a positive growing environment for the child. Were we ready to provide that sturdy foundation for another being to grow on? Could we even provide that foundation for ourselves or each other yet? Is it better to end the life of an unborn child and prepare yourselves to accept that gift in the future or chance unintentionally destroying 3 human lives because of an immature decision on the parents part? We didn’t know.

After many tears, days of confusion, and weeks of feeling overwhelmed at the information received and the decision needed to be made, Joe and I decided on extinguishing the life that we had created. Was this the right choice? I felt the life inside me. I felt my body change to accommodate that life. If my body automatically changed to make a good environment for this baby, couldn’t we? More tears and confusion.

We both wanted this child. We wanted to have it and love it and make our lives as perfect as possible. But we are also realistic. We know of utopian dreams and the pain that not examining the facts can bring. In our discussions, we realized that we loved our child. we would love all the children that we will ever create. We want the best for all of us. Ultimately we realized that we are not properly equipped to become a family unit yet. That was the most difficult realization I think we will ever make.

We decided that having an abortion would be best. Not the right choice, for we both wanted something else, but the best choice at this thyme in our lives. We decided that we both do want to have children and we made the commitment to begin to prepare ourselves and our lives so that we will be able to have them, not as an accident, but as a loving planned choice.

Part II

“Losing a Part of Myself”

At 8 a.m. on March 6th 1992, I began the assembly-line routine that would end our pregnancy. Twenty-three women ranging in age from about 16-45 filled out the necessary medical charts and release forms that was station one of the process. One by one we filed through the system of paying the fee ($325, money order only, no cash), blood test (Rh negative blood needs to pay an additional $20), blood pressure and temperature, then the waiting room (down the hall, up the stairs on your right, have a seat.)

We each had a short counseling session in which they decided with one question that you had mentally and rationally thought out this decision and you were ready to terminate your pregnancy. (Do you think that abortion is the best decision for you right now?) Then they filed all of us into a room and a too-pleasant counselor explained to us the abortion procedure and what our bodies might feel during it. She showed us replicas of the instruments to be used and how they would work.

We were then shuffled back into our waiting room. Hospital-style gowns were passed out and the after-care medicine was dispensed to us in small brown envelopes. We were divided into groups based on our anesthesia of choice. (General, Valium, Nitrous, Awake) and we waited. The faces of my fellow women has grown much more concerned during our present 4 hour wait. As if all of us knew exactly why we were here, to terminate our pregnancies. It was a very sobering room.

My name was about halfway down the call list. I had watched 11 girls go before me. Taking their belongings and shuffling sightlessly down the wall, as an inmate would walk to his death chamber. When my name was called, I gathered my gown, medicine and personal belongings and shuffled out of the room, following the too-pleasant counselor who was leading me and my baby to its death chamber. I, too, never looked back at the 10 women I left back in the room to wait.

I was lead to the room where the procedure would take place. The counseler told me to undress from the waist down. (You can keep your socks on.) She then assisted me on the table and cover me with the thin plastic blue sheet that was folded so sternly on the table when I arrived. She instructed me to place my feet in the stirrups. After obeying all instructions, she left the room, chirping about returning in a moment with the doctor.

Looking around this anonymous room, I saw the actual instruments that would be used to draw the life out of the womb it created to survive. KY lubricant, speculum, latex gloves, swabs, cotton balls, forceps, and syringes filled with Novicane to inject into my cervix to numb it before the dilation began.

In the corner was the boxy, beige machine that would suck the eight week, 1-inch long baby out of me. The vacuum aspirator. I noticed that the two jars on top of the machine were wrapped in the same blue plastic as was adorning me.

I breathed deeply, verging on tears. I was naked on a table with my feet in stirrups waiting for a doctor I’ve never seen to take the baby that Joe and I created out of me forever. Then they walked in. Counselor, doctor, and nurse. The quickly set to work.

Bi-manual exam, speculum, Bacitracin swab of the vagina, clamp of the cervix to hold it in place. (Quick pinch now.) Novicane injection, dialation. (Cramping) Vacuum…

The pressure. Unbelievable pressure. I felt the sides of my uterus being pulled to the machine. I heard the machine grind as ht caught the first of the fetal material. I felt the fullness of my body being removed by the noisy crude machine. Tears welled up in my eyes, but none fell. Although it was probably less than 30 seconds, the suction seemed to go on forever. The machine was turned off. Re-swab the vagina, inspect uterus, re-suction to assure that it’s empty.

As soon as the machine kicked off the second thyme the nurse grabbed the jar off the machine and left the room. I guess they didn’t want us to see what remained of our babies. Quick apology from the doctor for my discomfort and he was gone. I was dazed. The consoler had me up and dressed in less than two minutes. The room was prepped for the next woman in half that thyme.

Recovery was filled with empty faces in brown leather chairs. Our faces pale and blank. Some were wrapped in cotton blankets, all looked traumatized. At thymes our eyes would catch and we would stare into the face of another who has shared the experience less that 15 minutes prior. We had made the choice to terminate our pregnancies.

No matter what reasons we might have had, no matter what attitude we had entered this clinic with, we were now reduced and introspective with our experience.

After 15 minutes I was released. Walking back into the reception

area, Joe hugged me with the same warmth and compassion that he did when he first received the news of our pregnancy. We drove home. The rest of our lives to make what we choose of ourselves. To educate ourselves and make choices that will allow us to prepare for a child in the future. The choice we made allows us the freedom to make better choices for our lives.

Unlike the 23 other small beings that for many reasons, were denied that chance. It is fair? No, not at all. But for Joe and I, at this thyme in our lives, it was the best and most rational decision available.

My brief career as a mother ended March 6, 1992 at 11:53 a.m., eight weeks after it began. Our first child lie in fragments of its 1 inch body, blood and the system it used to grow in, at the bottom of a jar in the Akron Women’s Clinic. Joe and I paid $325 to extinguish the life of something that we loved. Something that we created. Why? Many reasons, all of them confusing. Each of them very difficult to understand.

Why did we choose to abort our first child? Why, when we felt that we loved the tiny being inside my body, did we choose to violently end its life? We can’t fully say. We only knew that there was only a very small chance that we could care for that child in the way we wanted to and it deserves to be cared for. We also knew that by carrying the baby to term, there was an equally small chance that we would be able to give that child up for adoption.

So the even was canceled. Or perhaps postponed is a better word. Postponed until Joe and I finish making preparations to properly receive the miraculous gift of having a child.

In places such as these the magic flees

// March 2nd, 2006 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

In places such as these the magic flees. Escaping the ties that try
to rationalize its intent. Forever its own. Belonging to no place
and no one, perhaps itself. A complicated box of mysteries and se­
crets that only it keeps.

Darkness. Close now in the warm darkness. I feel your energies. I
feel your tears that hide below the surface. I hear your laughter
which falls just short of convincing. I see your fear, justified, but
carrying over into the present. I hold you trying physically to
assure you that everything is all right. But I am hesitant as well.
I yearn to comfort you but I cannot comfort myself. I am torn with
dilemma. “The beautiful ones always smash the picture,” will it be
that way again.

To have faith. That is my strength. To believe in things I cannot
see. Things that I can not prove. Things that I feel. But to make a
decision of righteousness. To read between the lines and find the
thread of truth that will tell me the way. Right or wrong, light or
dark, good or bad. But then there are the many gray areas that are
more difficult to judge. So must confusion that I am afraid to choose
a path.

A paradox of moonbeams.

Dream through the mirror [10259]

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12992

Dream an empty dream. Is nothing as it seems? I always wonder why my
heart is so cold. Alone inside it beats in the container that I am.
It echoes through that darkness, the chasm of the damned. I have
lived my life as it would be, but I wonder why I have been chosen to
experience the things I have. To live through things other can’t
imagine and to keep inside the horrors that they have produced. Where
in my memory, what is in my past, in that void of oblivion? Six years
of my life how nothing. Where did it go?

Something that I love. I have a new feeling. A positive new feeling.
I want to make it work. I love you. Nothing compares to it or you.
You, just like heaven. I know are scarred. I am too. Always have
been. But you and I are more alike now. We have more in common and I
believe that we can make it work. My life with you. With love and
ferocious dreams. You and I forever. Never mind any others. They
are stupid and petty. Just you and I and what we care about. I love
you, help my to love you forever. It’ll be easy if you just help me
out. You are my favorite and most important thing to me in the whole
world. I realize that I never want to hurt or lose you, now or ever.

The process of the dream, the yearning desire for the wish to become
reality, is the first step in realizing the power of the will. Be­
lieve and become is the rule of the way. Skeptics have no place here.
It there is something inside that burns with a fire so hot and deep
and longs for a release then believe in it. Soon you will realize
that you too have the power to make dreams come true.