// June 9th, 2009 // No Comments » // personal
Sometimes…just sometimes I get hit by these waves of drowning emotion. I’ve read up and learned myself to know that this is all temporary. That “God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.”
Right. I could change this. Really, I could. But I shouldn’t. I know this. I should just let it be and keep my damn mitts off of it and say the serenity prayer a million times.
It’ll get better. This is just a wave and I’m just journaling to get through that way.
I have a baby due this Friday, June 12, 2009. A baby I desperately wanted to have. A baby I miscarried in November. I felt dead after that happened. In a small, misperceived way, I felt the baby’s father was part of the cause of the miscarriage. I know it was what it was…but inside…my “other” mind recalls the conversation that happened 10 minutes before I began to miscarry, and I feel he had some responsibility for it.
Stupid. I know. We got counseling, not for the loss of the pregnancy, but because we were at each others necks all the time. Our communication skills royally sucked. I felt drained and I don’t know what he felt but he said I was always being unfair and trying to make him be something he didn’t want to be.
We never really nailed out the details.
But there was love.
Real love. Love like I’ve never felt.
I think he’s my other half. But I have no idea why we can’t talk through things and every damn thing being an issue. I learned to tippy-toe around things. I really tried everything I thought was possible. But still, every few days there was a blow-up. Every few days there was another notch on the ugly things we said to each other. I saw the movie “Hancock” and I thought that might be like us. Two incredibly powerful beings who love and adore each other….we’re madefor each other. But who couldn’t be in each others presence for more than 24 hours without causing BOTH of us to lose our clarity, focus and power.
It’s stupid, I know.
But there it is. I’m not scared of being stupid. I’m scared of losing my opportunity to grow and learn and develop.
I know I need space. I know he needs space. But what do I do with this stupid yearning for my Kismet. For my completion. “I am divided for Love’s sake, for chance of union.” Patients, that’s what I keep telling myself. But when I get the chance and I can’t even stay on an even keel. When he doesn’t even seem to realize the missteps he participated in. I don’t think I’ve heard him say “sorry for…” one time in this relationship. I’ve been taught that when you make an amend, you make it without wanting to hear “I’m sorry” from the other party. You clean up your side of the street.
But if he’s my other half, why can’t he see like I can see?
I don’t know. It’s a moot issue and I’m just ranting now. Venting. Trying to get it out so that I can stop sobbing and get back to life, parenting, work and all the other things I need to maintain while processing these complicated feelings.
I wanted more than anything to be with him and to have our baby together, this Friday or some day around that point. I’m going back home to mark that date, alone. To honor all the things that potential could have been, if we could have just found a way…
